2021: Year in review

2021 was nothing short of suffocating.

I’m used to having one or two challenging months during a year, but the past year felt like a constant turmoil month on month. Starting from the accident I had in January which resulted in PTSD, to when things legit started falling apart ending May and from then on, almost everything practically kept going downhill.

I had hoped for ease through 2021, but the first three quarters of the year were filled with major gbos gbas. It got to a point where I began dreading the coming month because I didn’t know what trouble was brewing.

But the year is over and I’m still here, that’s all that matters.

The year might have been torturous, but it was a wake-up call for me. I have been living life threading heavily on safety; afraid to take a chance on myself because I decided to dwell on what could go wrong, instead of balancing it with thoughts of what if it all goes well. Life has pushed me to finally make bold moves which I can’t even afford to fear the outcomes. “Ground zero gives you clarity and the freedom to breathe easy.” – Daniel Aloaye

Like I told Sam the other day, the truth is, if I hadn’t gone through all the mess 2021 threw at me, I won’t be having conversations about the moves I’m currently pursuing. I’d have still been living in that ‘bubble of safety’ while life passes me by.

He said to me, not until life pushes us to a wall and stretches us, we wouldn’t find our strengths. 2021 was a war but I’m grateful for it because finally I grew a pair and did the things laziness/fear has been holding me back from doing. The result so far? I have surprised myself and done better than envisaged. This imposter syndrome, the only way I might overcome it, is to keep putting myself out there.

It’s almost sounding like an easy tale now, but boy! Did my faith get tested through the year? There was a period I felt lost and worn out, such that my church attendance dropped drastically. I felt I needed to stop holding on too tightly to faith or hope, that I needed time away to let things unfold. I was broken, undone, and distant. I had to let go of everything. 

Looking back now, I realize how brave I was; losing so much while navigating through troubled waters and still finding a way to keep moving. I’m thankful for my support system. For my close friends who saw me, held me, and listened to me rant my way to clarity, all without judgment.

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Two aspects of my life that are critical focal points – my finances and career got rattled to the core. I won’t even go into the multiple anxiety attacks I had to contend with.

Losing money and then watching others get the best out of the organization for a second year running while I got nothing made me realize I put all my eggs in one basket. I broke the cardinal rule of life – always have options. I had a faulty plan – save money to a comfortable survival amount, quit, and take a gap year.

My investments going south opened my eyes to the vulnerable position I had placed myself in. I had one goal which I fixated on. I stopped being ambitious at work. I was counting down the years till my planned resignation. I was focused on turning over my short-term investments quickly to meet my set target.

Truth is, if things were still on track, not one of the issues at the office would have fazed me. Heck, I would have gotten out even sooner than I planned. But my reality changed and left me helpless, questioning a once ‘solid’ plan.

I decided to take all that was happening as a propeller to better myself. After the night, comes dawn in it? I had two choices; stay down and wallow or pick myself up and work towards a new phase. I decided to be brave, to make a way through the pain, and focus on a better life ahead.

I started actively looking for a new job. I was going to change my story and take a bold leap. This pain was going to be a motivation for me to level up my career. Life had given me lemons, and I was going to make lemonades. Oh well, after several applications and no callbacks, I realized I wasn’t qualified for the jobs I desired. I knew it was time to go back to school for a major upgrade.

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Through all the madness that was 2021, the one thing that made me feel excited and alive was my post-graduate diploma classes during weekends. It felt like I was in another world. I was active in class, interacting with my lecturers and colleagues, feeling excited. Being at school was an escape that cut me off from my reality. Schooling has always made me feel purposeful. Going to class helped me stay grounded through all the craziness that was going on in my life. Funny how I struggled at first, even wrote a blog post where I contemplated dropping out.

I have finally gotten the confirmation that I’m not good with change. Struggling to adapt to work-life in Lagos is still fresh in my memory even if it was eight years ago. Striking a balance between work and school has taught me a lot about myself and going forward I now know better to give myself space, time, and mostly patience to adjust.

I’m very sure I want to go back to school. However, I don’t want to make a quick transition from working to full-time schooling. I want to first have an extended break period to recover from the rat race.

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They say the only thing constant in life is change. After about seven years at my branch, I got redeployed to a new team. This initially felt like a good move especially considering the woes that befell my previous team’s fortunes. Anyway, the events of the coming weeks will determine if indeed this redeployment is going to be the final straw to get me to do what I have always desired – taking a gap year (might not be up to a year if the major thing I’m working on clicks).

While it might not be as fanciful as I initially had it planned in my head, I do know I’ll finally be able to breathe. Despite the financial losses, I’m grateful that with the resources I have left I’ll still be able to afford a sabbatical.

After the year that was 2021, I think it’s only fair to gift myself healing. An avenue to clear my head, breathe and gain clarity. To say I’m burnt out will be an understatement and yes, I’m also no more satisfied with my job. At this point, I must leave a job that has in the last couple of years extensively triggered my anxiety and became monotonous. These days it feels like I have reached a peak, seen it all with no new grounds to conquer. I’m not saying quitting my job will bring an end to my anxiety issues (I’m expecting the first few weeks of the time off to be filled with several anxiety attacks) but in the long run, I know I will be better mentally.

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I feel like 2021 had to happen to me. The things that broke me also helped put a lot of things in perspective for me. 2021 will forever be remembered as a turning point in my life. Where I had to switch lanes and do the things I always shied away from.

While I have regrets about previous financial decisions due to the valuation gains I have now recorded since I had an overhaul of my portfolio, I have learned that in investing, one has to move ahead from losses. Whatever decision was made, was done out of your best judgment at the time. Learn your lessons and move ahead.

I’m now teaching myself how to draw strength from the past. Those days I let anxiety and fear break me because I needed to find my way out of difficult situations quickly. You know those dark life phases, how the fear of the unknown creeps up on you and makes you scared that the world is crashing in on you and your life is over? But then, soon enough everything sorts itself out and you are fine. I have had several of those moments and I always found a way out of it, mostly time fixing it.

It feels like I have come full circle and I’m close to another transitory phase. Anxiety is trying to rattle me still, but I know better to shut it down by reminding myself I have been through dark times before; dawn always came. That this too shall pass.

It will be unwise of me to allow anxiety to break me repeatedly. Carpe diem; I’m learning to take it one day at a time. I choose to draw strength from all I have survived. I’m choosing to breathe, to calm myself as I navigate this phase.

I know I’m still struggling with acknowledging God is working it all out. It’s like I’m on the sidelines with my eyes watching God, waiting to see how everything plays out. Yes, I have recorded some surprising positives, but it all still seems like a waiting game. I’m bidding time, waiting for confirmation that truly God allowed those things to happen because he needed to push me into taking action.

I’m praying that the painful experiences of the past year will lead me to a path where I will look back and say this is where God was nudging me to, and it will all be worth it.

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I came into the year identifying as avoidant, though deep down. I knew it was a farce. As people say, when you least expect it, that’s when love finds you. I met someone I think is the one (I hope this doesn’t jinx it, as I have purposely not written about it on the blog these past months). We will be eight months in mid-January. While there have been challenges like every relationship goes through, I think we have grown and learned to manage each other’s weaknesses. This relationship is teaching me so much about communication. I am learning how to handle conflicts better, and most importantly, how to be kind even in the face of arguments.

In the past, I actively sought long-distance relationships as I found it easier to navigate and preserve my space. But this has been a refreshing experience as we are both in the same city. We spend almost all weekends together from when we started dating in May, and I don’t get the desire to run into seclusion.

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Going into the New Year, I have decided to continue on the path of making brave moves. One aspect I want to work on is my reaction to unpleasant events. I want to greet each with calmness, knowing that like others in the past, it too will be sorted out. I’m going into the New Year with the mindset of drawing strength from past victories.

2022 is going to be a defining year for me. A year I will choose to ignore safety paths and take a bet on myself. My year of patience, of ease, and letting things work themselves out. A year of taking things one day at a time.

For the greater part of the year, I want to be away from social media and focus on myself and my relationship. I want to tune out the noise and tune into myself.

Mostly, I hope this is the year I’m brave enough to go after what I want – to get out of the rate race and enjoy the highest sense of freedom; quiet moments, doing things at my own pace (and doing them because I want to) and savoring long easy minutes filled with ease and clarity.