This is the first time since 2012 when I started maintaining this blog I didn’t post in consecutive months. I wanted a month off, but it dragged into three months. It could have extended to four or more, the plan was to give myself as much time as I needed. Before, I’d post song lyrics helping me through the dark time so I don’t miss a month’s post.
This time around I was too torn to bother about consistency. Life broke me so hard I couldn’t even bring myself to post anything.
Sometimes life comes at us so quickly, we struggle to catch our breath. 2021 has been a lot. Looking back at this post feels like it was all child’s play. While I won’t invalidate the haze it was settling into 2021, the hell I went through third quarter makes all that seem trivial.
Everything that gave me escape lost its taste. Writing became torture, as it forced me to relieve hurt I wasn’t strong enough to go through multiple times. I couldn’t enjoy music as I was too focused on keeping my head above water.
In dreams I find myself sinking in despair, I wake up with palpitations. While conscious or unconscious there’s no relief. At a point, it felt like there’s no surviving this sadness. That this will go on forever. The pain was everywhere and it sure as hell demanded to be felt. I got tired of hoping, of praying, of clinging to faith, of waiting for dawn.
During the day I talk myself out of anxiety, I’m on top of my emotions most of the time. But the early mornings, that waking up moment when I’m facing reality afresh are my most vulnerable. I wake up deep in worry about the future. Life feels bleak, feels like the world is crashing in on me and everything is falling apart. It takes me minutes to still myself by reciting affirmations. This has been my lot since June, and I hate that I’m still struggling with this.
Waking up each day, showing up but not being present. Embraced by sorrow and broken by life, each breath an inhalation of pain. The goal for months now has been to get through each day, one day at a time.
Like I told Ayodele, writing and music failed me. This year has been so distracting with pain and issues, I couldn’t even find time to savor music or find safety in it. Henry was shocked the other day when I didn’t know a new Beyonce song was out. So much has happened this year, been so distracted by pain I can’t exactly tell how the days went by so quickly.
2021 has been suffocating. I haven’t had a moment to breathe.
This year has been trying to break me, having me constantly fighting to hold it together. Struggling to be present each day, trying, catching brief glimpses of happiness but finding myself failing to stay present most times.
This year has been a painful experience of trying to rise above arrows shot at me by life. Been a long journey trying to hold on to happiness despite the roller coaster of unpleasant experiences.
At a time, I told myself if this was going to consume me, so be it. I was bruised and left with no zeal to hope for an end or long for recovery. Someday this might be over, but for now, I still have a long waiting game ahead.
“I’ve been fishing and can’t catch a bite
I’ve been praying, ain’t seen that light
I’ve been searching, high to the low
I’ve been working, working, working myself to the bone
There’s just this waiting game
And I don’t know how to play
It’s enough of a fight staying alive anyway” – Parson James (Waiting game)
However, I’m still here and still standing. Things started to fall apart in May and it kept getting worse till I finally broke down in August. That very day I had to will myself to school to sit for my first-semester examinations. I can still remember the ache in my chest while writing the papers. My heart was breaking in a million pieces but still, I had to function. I was at my breaking point but life had to go on.
September brought a bit of clarity and life gave me a break. October started in good spirits but by ending October, I hurt myself with raised hopes. November started with a big change which I hope opens the door for more positivity (but I hope it doesn’t get me distracted from my main goal). I remind myself what Mina said; this is a positive change. Indeed, it’s an answer to my prayer concerning my career, though not as I expected it (does our prayers ever get answered the way we envisage?) what matters is, the key points I prayed for are already happening.
I have counted my losses this year and mirrored each with all the alternative routes I could have taken in the past which I knew I mostly didn’t do because of fear, and then I did them. I’m still in this process and I have made good progress so far. I need to keep moving and keep my eyes focused on the long-term goal.
Even right now, I don’t exactly feel whole but it’s progress still. Burned out from all the weight I have had to bear this year, still feeling like I’m constantly chasing after time but never catching up. But I’m thankful for the few moments of late where I’m able to stop and catch my breath. Thankful that I can see through all the pain that once blinded me, that got me losing faith in my path. That made me feel my world had been upsurged and there was no way out of this.
Even when it feels like there is a bit of ease, I’m too scared to hold on to it or hope for a better tomorrow because I had once tried to accept that breakthrough was finally here but alas it wasn’t time. I hurt myself yet again clinging to hope.
Never had it this rough on a month-to-month basis before. Never had so many things going wrong such that I couldn’t even see one aspect of my life to draw joy from. When I couldn’t walk, I crawled. When I couldn’t crawl I lay down crushed by life. After a while, I let life happen, I lost and it felt like more losses lay ahead.
Looking helplessly into the future, hoping for recovery but not seeing how it will happen. To look around you and see others progress while you are not just stuck, but worse, it’s like you are regressing. There’s seemingly nothing I could do to save myself or stop the ground beneath my feet from crumbling.
The last quarter of the year has been seemingly calm and there have been one or two changes that seem positive though I still don’t know where they may lead me to, my eyes are watching God. I have chosen to not hold on too tightly anymore, I have chosen to let of all schemes and plans to get ahead.
I need an extended period of quietness, a long-ass minute to breathe.
‘I lay drained, too tired to push on.
And now that everything seems to have failed, I call on mercy.
I need a little mercy
Mercy, mercy… hear me now
I’m reaching for, holding on to mercy.
I’m letting go of every plan, of every scheme to recover all that’s lost. I’m looking up to mercy to bring me to shore, to give me peace, to embrace and cradle me with softness all around that I may lay my head and find ease.
That someday I’ll look back at this post and smile because mercy carried me through, to higher grounds than those washed away.
So I’m not letting go of mercy. Keep holding me together, be gracious to me even in my lost phase. Lead me through these valleys and shadows of pain and uncertainty. For this too shall pass, and it will yet be another passage to a greater life path and all that’s lost shall be restored.’ – Sayi
“Sunday, carry me down to the water
And wash me clean, I’m still struggling
Sunday, bury me under the weight of who you need me to be
Can’t you see I’m struggling?
Sunday, come around, lift me up again
Never too proud for a helping hand
I’ve been feeling down
Can you heal me now?” – Joy Oladokun (Sunday)
