LIFE’ING (2022 SO FAR…)

“Sometimes your life feels like a broken rollercoaster

A thousand useless moving parts…” – Look up (Joy Oladokun)

I came into the New Year with the mindset that this was the year of me taking less-traveled roads in my life. 2022 felt like a game-changing year that’ll come with early wins which will set the pace for how the year will turn out for me.

Oh well, life always has a way of bursting one’s bubble. Sort, of like saying hey man, take a chill pill, I’m the one in control, not you. And then it throws you a crystal ball unexpectedly and you miss the catch, next, you are trying to pick up the pieces. In a nutshell, this has been me since the start of the year. I have had to relearn to let go of my plans/deadlines and surrender. While things might not have worked out exactly as I had pictured in my head, I still strongly feel that a lot of things will change for me this year, and all for the better.

Asides having a difficult time getting over the sense of freedom I enjoyed during my one week plus trip to Lagos during the last holiday season, I got fatigued from juggling post-grad school, writing term papers that were past due, applying to graduate schools abroad and dealing with office work. Of all, I think the school application process was the one that drained me the most.

There I was basking in the euphoria of the trip and the solo train ride to and fro Ibadan, while also struggling with uncertainty about where my life was headed. Trying to make plan A to plan E about what if this plan comes through or if it doesn’t, then I can fall back on plan B or C. Mostly, I wanted to a change to happen quickly, so I could record a major win to compensate for all that was lost last year. The pressure was building, and I was slowly breaking.

I remember telling Pascal in December then, that I didn’t feel like returning to Benin City. I wanted to run from my reality and remain in that safe bubble I felt at his place. I wanted to stay hidden from the hustle. 2021 broke me in so many ways, and I got caught up trying to move ahead by recording a major win early 2022. I wanted to hasten the validation of why I had to go through all the pain I dealt with last year. That all too familiar New Year energy of wanting to start smashing goals early, but it was me walking into yet another trap.

“Darling, you gotta keep breathing
Lose yourself in the feeling
Just be slow, just be slow
Take it back to that moment
Before you start to feel broken
Just be slow, just be slow
….
Try to let it go
Step out from the cold
Embracing the silence” – Be slow (Harrison Storm)

****

I haven’t actively traveled in the last two years and I can tell the effects this is having on my mental health. Travel has always been a ready escape for me, and not just some fancy hobby. Pre-pandemic, I went for at least one trip (local or international) every quarter. It gave me release and offered me breaks from life’s weight. I was able to take life in small doses this way, as I easily get overwhelmed. The last two years have been a rollercoaster. I have been constantly running against time and not being able to catch my breath. Life has basically been on autopilot for me.

If it were possible, I’d gladly pay for extra hours to add to my 24hours per day. My schedule has been so choked up in recent times. As I’m ticking off an item from my to-do list, three new ones are being added to the list. I miss going to fields in UNIBEN to be by myself, to clear my head and find peace in the safety of silence. I have been craving this, but so many things are calling for my attention at the same time. However, I’m trying to map out time for it since traveling won’t be any time soon.

Every day is a battle with my mind, trying to not let anxiety have the better of me. I hate that I’m wired this way, but it is what it is. It’s a battle I have to fight every day. I have had to juggle adjusting to the workings of my new team at the office with the extreme sports application for graduate school has turned out to be. I mean, no one exactly told me the gbos gabs that came with the process. Having to search for schools and their requirements, send out and respond to mail correspondences, attend info-sessions, and stay up late into the night writing and modifying statements of purpose with the several open tabs on my phone and laptop driving me nuts. It became so overwhelming I had to take a two weeks break recently.

Then there was my current ongoing post-graduate program at UNIBEN also demanding my time. By mid-January, I already felt worn out. I had hoped that there was going to be a strike by The Nigerian Labour Congress when there were talks of stopping fuel subsidy, but that didn’t happen as the government suspended it. The break I was hoping for from the industrial action didn’t happen. I had hoped that it would last at least a week and I’d be able to stay indoors all through to recalibrate. Anyway, thankfully, towards the end of February the lecturers went on strike for the umpteenth time. I didn’t care the strike is going to prolong the program. It was a gift to me. Gift of time, of space to take a breather before I implode.

I can’t imagine how I would have managed moving to a new house and weekend classes. The last two weeks have been about moving to a new apartment. Even as I write this, my house is still in disarray and I have a few items left in the old house. Oh, there was the impromptu job interview process I had to hop on when it became clear my organization was moving mad once again, and promotion might be dicey. Maybe the new house and a new job are the big changes I felt will happen for me this year, who knows? Others could still come through, especially the relocation plans, the year is still quite young.

This year so far has been about me giving myself enough space to take things one at a time. Ignoring my OCD, prioritizing things, and ignoring the nagging tendency to complete my tasks ASAP. I have chosen to gift myself space this year. This is me being kind to myself and learning how to adhere to the term – carpe diem.

After a major disappointment regarding funding from the first graduate school admission I got, I lowered my expectations and told myself setting timelines only aggravates my anxiety. More disappointments from other applications have come, apparently getting admitted isn’t my challenge. It is getting my desired funding threshold that’s the issue. I know there’s probably one or two more disappointments on the way but nah, I’m not moved anymore. It’s the same way the ambitious financial targets I set for myself forced me into alternative investments which didn’t end well. I have chosen to live in the present and deal with things as they unfold, letting faith lead me. I mean, I didn’t have plans for a new job this year, but here I am with an offer letter in my hands.

So henceforth, I will do my part and let things unfold as God wants them to happen. My eyes are still watching God, waiting to see where He is leading me. Even when I gave up on Dec 31 concerning my career path at my current place of work, it’s nothing short of a miracle how things turned out better than I had hoped mid-January. I had already decided that worst case, I’ll resign and take time off to clear my head. How things turned around still makes me marvel, from a bleak outlook to being hopeful for a promotion. At this point, I know I have enough instances to look back at and know God is in control. So I will continue to surrender as I did late last year and let God lead the way. I’m done scheming and trying to answer my prayers myself. At the right time, God will make all things beautiful. I’m done with timelines and whatsoever, when it will happen, it will happen. I choose to live free and be patient with God and mostly, patient with myself.

“The ultimate lesson in control, is not having control, letting go. When you have this plan for your life as you should, if or when that gets derailed and you have a plan B now to go off that you didn’t plan on, it is the ultimate test of surrender.

Because at the end of the day, as much control we think we have, we do not. And it’s actually very powerful to surrender. We think that it’s a weakness, but it’s so much power in letting go and flowing with the river because life is going to do what it’s going to do. And we are all going to get chin-checked by life one way or another. So I might as well focus on my enlightenment when things don’t go as planned, we have to surrender and flow with the river, not fight with the rocks.” – Lauren London

• 

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I was chatting with Chigozie the other day and he was talking about feeling unsettled all his life. I tried to encourage him and shared my experience about the growth phases I had grown through, and how even now I’m yet in another transitory phase. These phases always come with so much uncertainty but we should always endeavor to not make the mistake of putting ourselves under undue pressure and obsessing about when things will align. Truly, in time we will all find clarity and be on track with the next phase of our lives.

My babe is currently going through a similar phase and I think this is the first time its hitting babe for real. I’m glad babe is opening up to feeling everything and I was low-key proud seeing babe’s status the other day of a picture of Chandler Moore’s feelings album cover. That album also helped me a few weeks ago when I chose to recognize all my stalled investment monies which run into eight figures as lost. It took me two weeks plus to get back to myself and that album helped me through the pain.

This is a growth stage for most millennials and there seems to be a collective burnout. Almost everyone seems confused or worried about the immediate future. The country is not getting any better and it’s a bleak future when you try to look ahead based on current events. Right now, all we have is ourselves and each other. We’ll all get through this phase and I know in due time we will all look back at this stage of our lives as distant memories and wonder why we were so worried.

“Cause can’t you see this world is chaos in color?
It’s wild and strange, but it’s wonderful too
If the weight of it ever tries to pull you under
Know this much is true
We were made to carry each other
And I’m here to carry you” – Carry (Joy Oladokun)

After the dark comes the morning, always.  However, the morning should come already though because it kills me seeing babe feeling lost, tired and battered. I felt the pain when babe was complaining about having to struggle for everything. I once wrote about it and then it hit me that, even those people we think have it easy (minus the few persons born into real privilege), most other persons have had to go through some sort of struggle to attain these good things. We only see the final destination, hardly do we know their journeys, rejections, and disappointments they dealt with to get to where they are now.

***

Meanwhile, I’m thankful January went by without my fear of having accidents happening as per the past few years’ experiences. I was legit watching, almost holding my breath each day I drove out of the house, half anticipating an accident. In my head there’s this pattern where this year I have an accident with the Toyota car, then the next year it’s an accident with the SUV. Last year I had a bad accident with the Toyota so I planned not to drive the SUV all through January. One Sunday morning, as I stepped out of the house to go to church, I was greeted by a flat tire. I had to ditch the corolla for the SUV to avoid going late to church. I was about to have a collision with a trailer when I realized I was driving the SUV in January!

The anxiety Lord! I got to church safely and told babe about the pattern. I was laughing but babe wasn’t having any of it. My eyes were glued to the road on my way home. Trust me, till now I haven’t driven that SUV, lol. I kept counting the days till the end of January, thankfully it was uneventful save for the lad that bumped into my stationary car because he was glued to his phone. There were no serious damages so I don’t count that as an accident. I choose to believe the jinx of accidents in January has been broken.

***

2022 feels like an important year in my life journey. I can’t exactly place it, but I feel deep down there are going to be major positive changes in my life. I’m patiently waiting for the unveiling of what the year has in store. There are a couple of public holidays ahead and I hope to take one or two trips to rejuvenate. Mostly, I long for freedom. I feel like dropping everything and taking a long road trip to another city. Stay indoors for a couple of days and find shelter away from the world. Maybe I’m back to navigating through a quarter-life crisis. But I know this is yet another transitory phase that’ll be yet another reference point in my growth journey.

“I try to stay calm through the chaos
But it likes messin’ with me
I wanna stay strong when it’s all wrong
I try to stay on my feet
I’m feelin’ vulnerable
Walkin’ through hell
And I ain’t got no control
But I tell myself
I gotta keep movin’ forward…” – Keep on moving on (Anna Graceman)

I’m bidding time, waiting patiently for God, breathing, and learning to find ease through the chaos. Things will happen at their appointed time, and when they do it will be perfect timing and it will be glorious. This year I’m going to win, and those around me will win also, and babe most importantly will win and understand why these hard times had to happen. 

We’ll all be alright…

“For how long will we fall,
Before we can climb?
And will this get too hard,
Will we even get far,
Will our words suffice?
…
Trust me, I know that we’ll be fine
We’ll be fine…” – We’ll be fine (Luz)