That feeling when you are so happy but then deep within, you know that it won’t last forever.
I was on vacation in November. It was fun and peaceful. I had enough time to relax and my bae was with me then. All was perfect and nice. December came along with the cheating discovery and inevitable break up. Ended up a messed up first week of december. Second week of December I resumed work after the vacation. Work helped me forget my relationship woes. Though at night, just that moment before sleep takes over, when it’s just me and the big dark world, that true hour that determines if truly you are happy or just a sad loner. That moment of truth when all the laughs you share with friends during the day are all gone, when its just you to your thoughts, yea, that very moment before sleep takes over…they were never nice to me. Always painful. Yes, work took my mind off things but those miss you nights were the longest and loneliest.
There was a time I was at my weakest, I felt maybe I was too harsh breaking things off, maybe I should have forgiven, maybe it wasn’t too late that we could still get back together, mend our hearts and heal. I had to slap the thought out of my head. Once a cheat, always a cheat…this has been proven true over and over. It was hard and I really did miss my ex and all the good memories but I knew I wouldn’t die from that broken heart. I had made a tough decision, my pride and dignity was protected because when you keep taking shit from people, you lose your value. No one should be allowed to take you for granted/disrespect you so much by cheating on you and then come back.
Truth is they’ll do same thing again, knowing you’d forgive and take them back.
The week of Christmas came. Holiday spirit was in the air. All of a sudden things changed without my noticing. I went to my church Christmas carol on the 19th of december and boy, did I have fun! I sang along to the carols care freely. I was in haven.
That week we had few customers to attend to as most of them had closed for the break. So generally I was less stressed. I downloaded more Christmas albums, I especially loved Relient k’s Christmas album but none came close to Mariah Carey’s Christmas album (still my favourite). Ashanti’s 2014 christmas album was a nice listen, a lot more better than her previous Christmas effort. Then Pentagonix album was nice also.
December 24th was lovely. Spent it at the office with nice colleagues and at close of business I sat with the operations branch manager and we popped a bottle of champagne. And of course took pictures 😀 (I’m a picture junkie). I was happy. True happiness I couldn’t explain.
I went out with friends, visited neighbours, hung out with my colleagues at the pool, ate and well, once in a while i missed my ex but generally i was happy.
Friends even noticed it from my pictures. Stanley did chat me up and said he noticed i was happy, Mute did too and a few others. I can’t explain it but I know it felt good. Christmas holiday came and went. Back to business. Work still wasn’t all that serious, then the news came that January 2nd would be a public holiday meaning we were going to have a repeat four days of holidays again in January. Pure bliss.
I had same routine for January just like i spent my December holidays. Movies, chocolate, food, pizza, swimming with colleagues and a few others. I almost ended up with a bad habit. Friends started cautioning my alcohol intake. Later on, everyone kept saying i was getting fatter and adding weight. I had to go to the gym amongst my many holiday stops.
See, I have longed screamed and wailed that i was not growing bigger or adding weight. People used to laugh at how skinny i was and that I had a tiny waist. Now when I was finally adding weight they found something new to talk about and taunt me with. Human beings tho! *sigh
The weight I long wished for now turned into a torn in my flesh. I won’t pretend I am not a bit insecure when it comes to my physical appearance, so what people say about my looks kind of affects me. I had to head to the gym but well, na 419 gym things I come dey do o.
I’d hit the gym, next thing i would be at kada cinema eating pop corn or be at kada fries eating pizza and ice cream or at home downing chocolate or alcohol or large plates of rice and chicken. I stood on a scale at the gym and saw i had added 10kg! Me? how?
It was my best holiday ever. Second week of January it was back to business fully. Just like my happiness came without me noticing, so did sadness take over without my noticing. There was no slow drowning into depression or sadness. One day I woke up and realised I wasn’t as happy as I was during the holidays. I was sad and empty. I couldn’t pin-point a particular issue that was weighing me down, I just felt blank and sad. I remembered something my friend, Bright in training school used to say then. He’d say when you get to the top, there’s no place else for you to go other than down.
At a point I started contemplating closing this blog. I felt I was revealing too much of my personal life. (Yet I still get accused by people of being too secretive and I’ll be like huh???)
Sometimes I feel I’m opening myself up to unnecessary judgements and scrutiny. But I remember the positive feed backs I have gotten and how people have told me I mirror exactly their feelings, things they could not pen down and how it has given them clarity or how they relate to my posts…maybe I should make a post of collections of positive feedbacks so I could read it again and again so I never shut down the blog.
And no, it wasn’t the annoying dusty weather causing the sadness. I hate this weather. Shoes and cars get so dirty. You clean up and next few minutes its all covered in dust. Back then in the University I used to love this period because it gave me the chance to wear and show off my various hooded jackets, now they are all packed up in a bag. *sigh
I thought of updating my blog with a fictional story post. It’s been a long while I wrote a short story, but all I could think of writing was something very controversial, dark and sinful. That obviously wasn’t going to go well as first post of the year plus I was going through serious writer’s laziness at the time.
I searched for new music. I got stuck on Demi Lovato’s last album titled Demi. I have always said it is best when you are an album person, that is you listen to an artist’s full album instead of just one song or few songs off the album. Listening to complete albums helps you appreciate the artists more and understand them better. I have heard Demi Lovato’s give your heart a break, let it go and neon lights records before but I never really appreciated her voice or took her as a serious singer.
But after listening to the album, songs like never been hurt, two pieces, heart attack, warrior, nightingale, in case, and her cover of Ed Sheeran’ give me love got me swooning over her voice. That girl is damn talented.
Music helped ease my mood, before the ‘ultimate crusher’ came. Shit happened at work again. Stuff like this happened in July last year. Then I let it hit me hard. Afterwards, when I got better and my worst fears didn’t come to pass, I told myself that next time I’d never let stuff get to me again and I’d handle it well knowing that whatever happens to me was permitted by God and it was all part of His perfect plan which would all work out well for my good.
So I stayed strong and didn’t let it bother me. It tried to crush me. Yes, I did feel a bit bad but when I got home, I ate, watched some parts of the movie I had been watching all week (takes me a full week to finish watching a movie because of long hours at work), I chatted with my pals and slept well. Fate decided to bless me on thursday night with a beautiful dream – I was in the arms of the one I loved (can’t even remember the face now) but we were so happy in the dream. I’m going to hold on to the memory of that dream as long as I can, makes me feel warm and a lot better.
But the weirdest thing followed the day after the dream. Yesterday at work, I heard familiar voices call my name same way the persons normally pronounce my name. I’ll turn and realise no one called me. Happened a couple of times in the office. At the risk of sounding superstitious, I really got bothered when I got home in the evening and heard my mum call my name only to go meet her and she said she didn’t. Should I be worried? Would you be?
So yesterday, I woke up with the memory of the dream, it’s been nice just thinking of it and well, it is making me feel like I should get back into a relationship but it’s too soon. I take time to move on and heal. I am just letting time do the healing cus that’s what it does best. Time heals us of our scars. I have got great friends and awesome colleagues who bring out the joyful and jovial part of me.
“No matter who broke your heart, or how long it takes to heal, you’ll never get through it without your friends.”
Carrie from Sex in the City
So this is life, sometimes things are good, other times, things are hard but we push on and endure the hardships because soon enough the sun will shine…
“Sometimes it seems you gain less than you lose.
Now we’ve got holes in our hearts, yeah we’ve got holes in our lives.
Where we’ve got holes, we’ve got holes but we carry on” – Holes by Passenger (lovely song)
Well, what do i know? …I am but just a kid