Here alone I lay on my bed, sad and blue. My joints hurt from the days work. Once again, I am here in my room. My roommate is fast asleep. I’m surrounded by these walls, walls that seem to be closing in on me. The room seems so small but yet feels very large. Deep in loneliness, I stare into space longing for your company. Wishing I could just talk to you and lay bare all my fears and sorrows. I wish I could open up my heart to you this moment not caring if I seem weak or less manly, because right now all I need is a listening ear and a warm embrace. And if it helps to make me feel better, a shoulder to cry on. But you are not here.
A lover or a best friend I really don’t know how to classify you, but I know exactly what I want you to be. So I hold my pillow tight, shutting my eyes, wishing the shadow could wash away my fears and sorrow. Wishing my loneliness would pour out in the flow of cold tears. I’d love to cry on your shoulder till my loneliness is all gone; holding on to you each second but all I have is this perfect image of you in my mind. I need you so much but you exist only in my head.
Normally I am strong, but this moment I am weak and you are not here. So I choose the next best thing, which is writing because I have to let it all out. To express exactly how I feel else I implode. I need a friend but all I really want is you. Tonight, sleep seems to elude me. A dark mist of thoughts clouding my mind. I haven’t met you but I miss you so much. I wish you were right here but here I am missing you terribly. Someday I know we shall meet and we shall be the perfect team, sharing our lives together; not ashamed to tell each other the truth no matter how painful or embarrassing it might be. All that will matter is us carrying each other in our hearts, knowing each other in and out. No shame, no mockery and no judging between us. Accepting all we are and appreciating each moment we have. Not letting a single moment pass because each means so much.
But these are all in my thoughts for now. This moment I live is painful and lonely. I need you here to look into my soul and see my hurt exactly as it is. I want to bare my sore heart to you, let you in, know you, feel you and know I am not alone. Above all, let you feel exactly the same way you make me feel; secure, loved and appreciated.
They say I am lucky, that I have it all, but they don’t know that all is you…
So I drop my pen in sadness, fading into the silent darkness of the night waiting for sleep to take me away from this hurt, hoping I’d see you in my dreams…