After living in this country for a year and six months, I feel settled, which almost made me forget what this current life phase is about. It is one I long called ‘my eyes are watching God’. It’s funny that I forgot because I do not waste the opportunity to tell people how suffering huge financial losses led me to change my mind about relocating abroad. 2021 changed the trajectory of my life, and I was reminded of this recently when someone asked me what’s next after graduation. I responded that I have since learned to let God lead the way as my plans hardly happen the way I envisage, but I get even better from God’s direction and redirection. This reminded me that I was on a journey of surrender. Though my life has greatly improved since relocating, God is still writing the story of this life phase. It’s been very clear why my plans for a gap year fell through, but I am not yet at the destination. When I get there, I’ll know for real that this was exactly why I had to be redirected to take a path I never planned.

The past few months since my last post have been centred around juggling work, university coursework, and cookery work-based training (WBT). Towards the end of February when I resumed the penultimate semester of my master’s program, I knew it was going to be a long three-and-a-half months, being that I would have to split my time between the university program and working full shifts (10 hours per day, twice a week) at a commercial kitchen of a four-star hotel where I did my WBT, while also working my two regular jobs.
If I were to summarise my life these past few months, I’d say it was all about determination, being the very weapon formed against myself, giving up and getting back on track, perseverance, sabotaging friendships that did not fit, letting go of love, not borrowing worry from the future, adventure, exhaustion, losing myself, navigating rage while fighting my departmental lecturers at the University, and the one I am most proud of – embracing the frailty of my humanity without guilt.
I got my driver’s licence on the third attempt after putting myself in a tight corner (I went for an interview a day before my scheduled driving test and told the interviewer I already had the license 😬). This stint reinforced what I have noticed about myself; even though I do not enjoy working under pressure, my brain functions at a much-improved rate in such conditions, and I usually get better results.
I resumed the penultimate semester with one goal: to get my cumulative average grade back on distinction after slipping by 0.71 marks at the end of the second semester. It was a challenging feat, especially as I had to divide my attention between school, work, and the cookery WBT, which took two days a week, leaving barely five days weekly to create time for my university coursework.
This ordeal would have been much easier if I had not yet again been the very weapon formed against myself. Weirdly, each of the past three semesters, I have always made a major mistake that significantly impacted my overall grade. I was explaining to someone recently that if you looked at my statement of result, there’s always one course each semester that stands out with a ‘pass’ grade in contrast to the other three courses that are split between ‘distinctions’ and ‘high distinction’. One will wonder if the same person had all the results; I concluded that maybe doing four units per semester was too much for me.
I’m not so mad at myself anymore because I am back on distinction, but the next semester, I must put my eyes down and avoid these foolish mistakes. The mistake I made this past semester was the costliest and could have jeopardised my efforts, but interestingly, it motivated me to put in more effort.

We were duly warned not to use any other editing software outside the school’s approved Grammarly; even the regular Grammarly was not allowed as it has AI incorporated, and the school is firmly against the use of AI (which I find dumb because the future is AI and I do not see why they can’t get us to start getting used to it before the world leaves us behind). Anyway, I got the warning and still decided to use it for no reason because if I said it was due to having three assessments due in the same period, it would be funny because I finished ahead of the due dates. It’s so weird that the two assessments I finished before the due dates were the ones I got the problematic grades.
Getting the assessment flagged for using AI unravelled me to depths I haven’t been in years. I felt defeated and kept replaying scenarios, wishing I could turn back time and not use the software for editing. I later wondered why I didn’t switch my visa to the cookery college as some other university mates did. That’s typical of me; my first response is to look for an exit when it gets hard. *sigh (that’s why I am always the flight risk in relationships).
I started consoling myself that a friend who just got a distinction in his graduate program didn’t even have it written on the certificate, and employers truly did not care about grades (how convenient for me to forget I knew all these when I decided to chase a distinction for personal reasons).
What bugs me the most is that I checked another assessment on a site, and it flagged it, so I had to restart the assessment. Tell me why it did not occur to me that the other one was also going to be flagged, especially as I had completed it two days earlier and had the time to make amendments. Sometimes, we look back at the decisions we made and wonder how we were that stupid. I hate making obvious mistakes that anyone can easily catch and avoid; it makes me wonder if I am truly smart or as observant as I think. These little gaffes make me question myself a lot.

My mind started working overtime after the first assessment was flagged, and I believed the other two submitted in the same period would also be flagged, ending my distinction run. They were not flagged; I did correct my mistakes before submitting; my mind just chose to paint the worst possible outcomes. The first result was a high distinction, a turning point for me. I realised the mistake happened early in the semester, and there was still ample time to turn things around, so why give up so quickly? I doubled down and smashed the remaining assessments with many back-to-back high distinctions.
It reminded me of when I failed a professional exam twice, and on the third attempt, I went in with determination and got a distinction. Olaitan teased me that I used anger to write the exam as I was the only one in that region with distinction or was it when I slept and ate mathematics during preparation for WAEC because I knew that was my weak point. I shocked my family when I had a B3, which was as good as an A1 based on my history with mathematics.
There was a unit where I got one mark shy of high distinction, and when I complained to Victory, he asked, I thought you had given up on graduating with a distinction? Lol. I may initially find an exit plan, but once I see a tinker of hope, I return with more determination, ready to fix things. This is a testament to my chaotic on-and-off relationships. I remember then, in Access Bank, Eme used to say I give up too quickly. If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s wasted effort. If it’s not going to work, why bother wasting precious time? Move ahead to the next! Time is life, and life is not unlimited.

It’s been a scary realisation that I might be that guy who will choose a career over a relationship, or it’s a thing that once I write about my relationship on this blog, it jinxes it, and the relationship ends. It’s weird how things go smoothly during the talking stage, this time, it was over a year and then five months into the relationship drama and friction. It was already hard enough being long-distance, then coupled with my busy schedule, I couldn’t deal with someone who chose anger and silence over proper communication, so I walked away.
I miss the circle of friends I had in Nigeria. It’s been a struggle trying to get that here. I am not trying to replicate the same circle of friendship, but the key to me is getting those I align with who can reciprocate the same effort I put in and share a similar outlook on life. Lately, I began to worry if I’d ever have those kinds of friendships again, but I remembered it took years to get that right circle of friends, people who got me and whose values aligned with mine.
I blame it on my patience, which seems thinner now. If I see certain red flags, I remove myself. I do not have the strength to go through the refinement phases; everyone should come correct please. I am still working with the mindset that people come and go, play their roles, and leave; we are all just passengers in each other’s stories. I have learned to leave people where they are, no forcing anything or trying to keep up with anyone.

And no, leaving people where they are is not about pride; it’s self-respect and self-preservation. No one talks about the aloneness that comes with intentionally choosing your friends. When it comes to friendship or love, for me, there is no room for compromise. If you do not meet basic requirements or we constantly have friction, I’ll Walk away even if it means being alone. I value my peace of mind that much. I want easy, seamless friendships where I feel valued and not like I am chasing after anyone or teaching anyone how to act or reciprocate.
Also, it might take time, especially till I have fewer commitments and can readily attend social functions. Like Akin once said, he doesn’t consider me when he wants to do stuff, thanks to my busy schedule. That is why I am not so worried about not having the connection of friends yet, it’s not like I have been free to hang out, especially when school is in session. I strongly believe in the right timing, and if there’s one thing I know about the pattern of my life, things always fall in place for me at the right time.

For now, I am good on my own with focus on my academics. Besides, I still have my old connections and thanks to social media, I don’t feel the distance that much. I talk to Tjae, Ose, Ivan and Chigozie almost every other day; it might not be the same as being in the same place physically, but it has held me and made me feel less alone.

Getting around my hectic schedule has been nothing short of a miracle, and it’s been falling into place even with changes to my academic calendar every new semester in both schools. As we were leaving the hotel one day, I told Aisha that it’s been a miracle that my work schedule kept aligning with university classes, cookery classes, and practicals. My main concern has always been fitting school classes around my work roster so they don’t negatively impact my working hours. I remember initially getting bothered about the WBT schedule after someone who had just concluded his WBT at the hotel I was posted to tried to paint a gloomy picture. I reminded myself that God had always come through and once again repeated to myself – ‘my schedule is in God’s hands’, something I say when such worry tries to rattle me. Even when I thought I wouldn’t have a fixed schedule due to uncertainties around school calendars and work roster (routine helps me manage my anxiety), I looked back one day and realised I had had an almost fixed schedule so far.

Lately, I find myself reminiscing on the time spent doing my WBT at the hotel. I miss going there, and mostly I miss the breakfast service.
Being in the kitchen made me feel alive. The experience was not as scary as I feared, mainly due to the nice chefs I worked with. At a point, I was going to start thinking this was a false representation of reality based on the chaos I have seen on cooking shows. I had to stop myself and be grateful for the sane people I worked with. It’s not a must that all head chefs be mad; maybe this was a future lesson for me to be kind if I ever find myself as a head chef because patience when working with others is still a major challenge for me.
I was worried I would not be able to fit in, remember recipes, or keep up with the fast-paced nature of commercial kitchens. My goal was to build confidence, and I’m glad I fit in almost immediately. One of the chefs was impressed that within two days, my colleague and I were already familiar with some of the menus compared to some people that took almost a month. Another chef quizzed me a lot one day and said he was very impressed that I could answer his questions using technical terms. I noticed the head chef trusted me with making sauces alone and cooking arancini from start to finish. He sometimes pulled me from prepping to assist in the cooking area when it got tense. Boy, did it get wild at times! Especially during dinner rush hour. It was nice experiencing how things work behind the scenes at a restaurant. A group from an organisation had a function at the hotel, and the staff came to the restaurant to place meal orders. Seeing them took me back to my banking career days when we’d be lodged at hotels and go down to the restaurant for lunch or dinner. This time around, I was on the other side of the picture, and it was humbling and gave me so much perspective about life. On the last day of my shift at the hotel, the head chef stretched his hand for a handshake. It was a brief handshake, but it meant a lot. It was him silently telling me a job well done, appreciating my quest to learn, and not being one of the students who gave him a hard time. From my end, when I looked up at him and smiled, I knew he could sense my gratitude for his kindness and for making my stay pleasant. It was a handshake filled with mutual respect.

I used to think it was nothing extraordinary when people told me they did not know how I was attending two schools simultaneously. Yes, sometimes I’d complain, but deep down, it felt like stuff anyone could pull off. But these past few months made me realise it was no mean feat. I had to take a week off my WBT to focus on clearing outstanding university assessments as I was choked up. While on the train to the hotel, I’d be on my headphones catching up on university lectures, the same thing when going home at night. My life was on autopilot. I also had to take an extension on two assessments to give myself breathing space. Younger me would never have done this; I’d have worked even harder to prove I was ‘resilient’ and stretched myself to the limits to do everything within the stipulated time frames. Life really is not that hard. I felt proud of myself for embracing that I was human and needed to utilise available resources to make my life easier. This was growth for me, choosing ease, giving myself space and grace to be human.

Even with the extension, there was a particular assessment I had to do to perfection because of the first assessment that was flagged. My mindset was to get very high grades in the pending two assessments in that unit to make up for the penalty on the first one. After finishing the assessment, I couldn’t do anything academically for two days. I was totally worn out, physically and mentally. I was expecting 80%, but then I saw 90%. The way I screamed!
It’s not like I hadn’t gotten similar scores before. I had a perfect score in one other assessment, but these were usually in my elective units from other departments. I wrote about how the lecturers in my department are stingy with marks. At first, I thought it was just me, but then I kept wondering how I put in the same effort in my electives and got better grades until I started conversing with other students in my department about it.

So, getting a 90% from my difficult departmental lecturer meant I did something extraordinary. This motivated me to put more effort into the final assessments and tests. Well, I also had to fight my departmental lecturers constantly via emails. I won some, but I had to let go of others because it was obviously a lost battle, and I didn’t want to go the extreme of appealing formally to the head of school to counter the lecturers. They were already behaving like Nigerian lecturers by hoarding marks; they might as well be capable of marking me for future punishment because I appealed.
“Do you know what’s worth fightin’ for
When it’s not worth dyin’ for?” – (21 Guns by Greenday)
But then, the grade for the flagged assessment after the penalty was applied made me feel so much rage I hadn’t felt in years. I accepted the penalty; it was penance for not abiding by the updated rules. But the way the lecturer marked it? I called Victory and Tomiwa to lament and gave myself three days to calm down, but the rage was still there. I knew this was one that I wouldn’t be able to ignore, so I fought the lecturer for two days with forth and back emails. He suggested I appeal formally because it was clear I would not stand down. This triggered me more, and I regretted not appealing two other assessments, which I am confident I had a good chance of winning. For example, how do you give someone this kind of glowing review and score the person just 72%?
Not till I appealed did I finally find peace. I am still awaiting feedback on it, but no matter what happens, I know there is nothing to lose. The lecturer did me dirty, and Like Pascal Isele used to say – He who is down needed fear no fall.
I have always been assertive, and anyone who knows me well will tell you that I am not a simple guy who keeps mute, especially in the face of injustice. I will always speak up. Be it my boss or colleague, I will set you straight. Some might call it stubbornness, but nah, I would never be the guy to be taken for a ride without challenging you.

***
The holiday was a short one and ends tomorrow. There were bouts of random happiness and gratitude for where I currently am, though I struggled to accept happiness wholly. I had to remind myself that when I was in a dark place after the assessment got flagged, my mind freely wallowed in despair without reservation, so why was I preventing myself from reeling in joy? Why was it okay to dance with sadness, but I sought to apply caution to happiness?

I did not get to do a lot of restful activities, but I found peace enjoying beautiful, slow mornings as I explored the breakfast menu from the hotel. I went hiking, watched a few movies and series, and saw Simone Biles’s new documentary. I cooked new recipes and was able to read one of the books I bought from Amazon and several substack posts I missed when school was in session. The last time I read a hard copy novel was in 2021, before life got in the way of my hobbies.
I just managed to return to myself, only to lose myself again once school resumes next week. The good thing is that it’s the last semester, and after that comes the freedom to explore life fully without academic essays and whatnot hanging over my head.

I resumed the final course component of the cookery college last week, and the coursework is quite voluminous. I am in for a lot, juggling it with the university project semester, but as I have told myself, I did it twice before with God’s help, and I will do it again.

I am having resumption blues. I haven’t come around to accepting that I am about to go through so much stress again. It would be much easier if I didn’t chase for distinction, but why give up in the final semester after coming this far? Letting go of my desire for a distinction is more about freeing myself, not laziness or giving up. Hopefully, my body will fall in sync when coursework starts. It’s a love-hate relationship. I enjoy academics, and my writing skills improved last semester, but I do not enjoy the stress as it sucks the fun out of the learning experience.

I hope to bring in all these experiences and lessons learned over the last three semesters and channel them into this final semester while also being vigilant. Hopefully, I do not make any silly mistakes or suboptimal decisions that will sabotage my efforts. This final semester is critical. I randomly blurted out ‘It’s funny how arithmetic works’ to a colleague when I was simulating my likely total grade before the results were officially released. It reminded me of the Access Bank training school moving average summation towards the end of the program, how the average barely improved when one scored high in a newly released result but dipped significantly with a low score.So there really is no room for mistakes this final semester, God help me.
The pressure is on; this feels like the make-or-break semester. The thought has crossed my mind that if it gets too overwhelming, I can always defer the cookery semester and focus more on the master’s program. I do not want to have any excuses or have to console myself. I want to know I put in my very best, and if I still do not get the final distinction, I will know that it is God’s will, not that I sabotaged myself trying to be Superman.