‘Be careful what you wish for, ’cause you just might get it all, and then some you don’t want’ – Daughtry (Home)
At times we get fixated on achieving our goals we forget to consider probable aftermaths they might elucidate. I did not give so much thought to the emotional burden that comes with moving across continents. I knew I had to make the move majorly for economic reasons and that’s where my focus was. The month of February had me feeling things I thought I had numbed, this month has been nothing short of an emotional rollercoaster for me. The month where I had to face reality and deal with the weight of leaving the support system I had nurtured over the last five/six years.
Being far away from my close friends has been one of the most challenging aspect of relocating. While technology/social media has helped bridge the gap, there’s nothing that can replace the loving comfort of physical interactions or the warm hugs from colleagues turned friends (even when they do not realize those hugs are not mere greetings, but little life savers for me).
Man! I felt it this month. Loneliness hit me so hard, I found myself in tears when my community back in Benin City all assembled for a wedding. I think this was the beginning of the unraveling of just how much I had to deal with as emotional fallout of leaving all my friends and moving to a new place where all I had was my immediate family. Sure, it’s been very helpful having my family with me, per soft landing, (I don’t want to imagine the harrowing experience it would have been if I was here all by myself) but my support system gets me more.
‘Cause we’re good friends
We don’t ask why
We just show up at each other’s house unannounced
In the middle of the night
We got history
No conditions
You don’t ever have to worry, yeah, I’ll keep you sturdy
‘Cause we’re good friends, yeah’ – Maren Morris (Good Friends)
They are the ones who have held me in times when I was down and broken, they are my peers and we are all sort of walking similar existential roads at this stage of our lives. I deeply contemplated booking a return ticket to Nigeria. I thought maybe if I could spend two weeks, do another round of proper goodbyes, hug my friends a little longer, get closure… I began to question if I had moved too early…
Oh well, the thought of spending four days out of the two weeks transiting didn’t appeal to me (the jet lag I struggled with on arrival last December was still fresh in my memory).
I had to be strong, I had to find a way to deal with all the things that I ran from; the mess I refused to face and clear out before making a major life change. I was all alone and going through it. It was chaotic and painful dealing with these feelings without the physical company of my support system, but I’m glad all of it has been sorted out now, even if it meant having difficult conversations and severing ties. Truth is, I needed to go through it to be able to start my life here for real (as selfish as this might be, but hey we are all choosing ourselves these days, yea?).
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I wrote this on my phone’s notepad while preparing to relocate after I got the visa –
In hindsight, it’s clear that I ran from my old life. I wanted to escape my past and leave the chaos behind. My mantra was to keep it moving, onward and forward. If I could do it all over again, I think I would be gentler in closing chapters. I wouldn’t have left things uncertain with R, and I definitely would have tried to end things with M better. But I don’t know if I would have been able to avoid the mess that would have come out from having both of them in my life at the same time.
I don’t regret trying to move on quickly once things between M and I ended, even if now I know how much that hurt M and seemed like a betrayal based on things I had earlier said about people moving on immediately after a breakup.
Truth is, R was a light I needed that period, heck! I would not have been able to handle one more fight with M nor did I want to struggle through lonely days just before I packed up everything and left the city I had known for years.
Either way, the relationship with M was over because at that point, it was clear no matter how much more time I gave, I was never going to be loved the way I was asking for in that relationship. This month we finally had something close to the ‘disastrous’ post-breakup conversation I was running from and well, it had to happen so we can always remember why we are not supposed to be. ‘Irreconcilable differences’ is truly a real thing.
After we reconnected on my birthday last December, I began to think I had made a mistake ending us. I realized that though we were no longer together, I wasn’t ready to let go of the relationship. Maybe it was loneliness making me crave the familiar, but asides that, it felt crazy throwing away all we had built and been through, letting go of all the memories, moments shared, and all that it meant to us. But I knew it was better to let go of what was not working, than hold on to it and be filled with resentment. I didn’t want the below to be us…
We were probably kidding ourselves thinking we could immediately switch to being just friends. This never really works, or does it? Maybe I did more of the ruining it. I mean, it was all me; having conversations that were blurring boundary lines and waking up ‘dead things’… several times I pondered on if we could get back and get it right, but deep down I knew there was no going back.
The reasons I left were still valid and if anything, it all got revalidated.
February had me going through all the post-breakup motions I ran from. I have gone to the depths of it, cried over the lover I let go of, and freed myself of resentment. In all of this, the conclusion remains we can’t be friends, at least for the furthest future. And this is very okay. If separation is what brings peace to each of us, then let it be so.
‘It’s 2 AM, feeling like I just lost a friend
Hope you know this ain’t easy, easy for me
And we know it’s never simple, never easy
Never a clean break, no one here to save me
I can’t breathe without you, but I have to’ – Taylor Swift (Breathe)
What this has revealed to me is, while I agree everyone has their way of moving on, and there is no one right way about it, getting involved with someone else immediately after a breakup is not the right path for me to take. I did that for the first time and it threw up a lot of complications. Even when I thought I was being transparent, laying it all out, my situation and what I wanted. Still, it blew up in my face and I got accused of using someone.
I have had discussions with both parties, sadly I hurt both and severed ties with one, but it’s my gift to them. I have set them free even if it seems I chose myself, but I think this is what works best for everyone. I am alone now, working on freeing my heart while starting my waiting period as I move forward.
One thing I know for sure is, I don’t regret my last relationship. It was as real as it could be. I had some resentments, but I’m glad I gave ample time for this to be rectified and I wasn’t silent about what I needed. Unfortunately, things didn’t work out, but now I have dealt with all the resentments, all I carry with me are the pleasant awesome memories of us.
I should probably now delete the list I wrote on my phone’s notepad, listing 17 reasons why we needed to end.
Maybe it’s a problem that I’m very self-aware because this has made me not settle for less or fail to voice out/demand how I want to be held.
Life is too short to accept being loved less, especially when you know the adjustments you are making to meet their own needs 100%. I know I can be emotionally demanding, but then, I have since learned to give back the same energy I am asking for. I will rather be alone than be loved less.
“Be brave too, we need courage to embrace each other
Anything less isn’t welcome
Alone is better than being held loosely” – Oreoluwa Fakorede
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I’m very much still open to love. I’m patiently looking forward to the next, especially with the knowledge that my relationships tend to get better with each experience. I feel this last one was the final tutorial where I have matured and grown, even my friends mentioned it a lot of times. I am ready and hopeful the next will be the last bus stop for real. I’m not going to rush into anything, this time around I will open my eyes and thoroughly examine all red flags. I remember how M and I started, how we were supposed to take our time and do what I termed ‘predating’ but we let the emotions take over, and became official within a month of talking. If there’s one thing I have always dreaded, it is a growing list of exes.
The idea of starting afresh with someone new seemed daunting but I have made peace with it. Truth is, if I was still in Nigeria something more might have developed with R (or not) because it felt easier and less stressful. It made me feel I wasn’t crazy for wanting my relationship to be as easy going as my friendships, where we easily call each other out and no one picks offense or it turns into a war. It was easy with R, but I held myself back because I was leaving.
I’m no more worried or scared about the next because I understand that each relationship is different. I mean, I did say the one before this was my most real relationship, lol …this last one is even more ‘realer’. If I can survive losing T, I can survive losing M. If anything, losing T taught me that while I might not get the same love experience, I’ll always build new experiences with someone else and I will love it still. It will be different, but it will still be beautiful, satisfying and important to me.
I strongly believe the next one will be the one, as far as I don’t rush into it. My relationship with M changed my view on a lot of things.
I now know what I want and have an idea of what it should be like and long distance is not it. It’s funny how I used to actively chase after long-distance relationships, but this last relationship has made me realize I want a live-in lover, to build a home together and have something real. The tiny moments, the lazy mornings in bed, comfortable shared silences, going to occasions and hangouts together, being in each other’s space frequently… I used to think it will be suffocating but nah, it’s all I truly want and I know at the right time I will have it all with the ‘perfect’ one.
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One good thing that’s come out of having to deal with loneliness this month is a sort of symbolic end to my old life and ushering in a new one in terms of friendships. I realized I was draining my energy trying to force all my previous friendships and connections into this new reality. I remember how deserted my WhatsApp felt when I changed my phone number, I legit had to broadcast my new number, chatting up friends and acquaintances to save it so I could continue seeing their statuses and feel part of their lives.
However, what I have come to realize is, not all friends and acquaintances have to follow me into this new life. They have served their purpose, maybe in future our paths will cross again, but for now, I think our paths are going different ways and it is very okay. I won’t be forcing anything going forward.
I am thankful for Akin and Niyi, the answers to my prayer for good friends when I arrived in Perth. They have been very helpful in my settling in and have also been great company. Over the last two months, we have bonded over our stories. I don’t know why I always get lucky with friends.
When all I was feeling began to take me through a dark route, I spoke to both of them. I didn’t expect them to get me, I know how rare it is to see vulnerability in Nigerian men. Surprisingly, they did get me and shared their own experiences which helped me understand why I needed to let go of my old life and focus on my present.
Recently I had a deep conversation with Akin (it was a parked car conversation :D) I told him I know I can be emotionally demanding and set high standards for my friendships, stating that I needed to apologize to him because I felt I was trying to replicate the support system I left behind with him. I was not giving the friendship test of time or space to know if there was the capacity for such a level of friendship. I am glad that conversation happened, though it lowkey was more of me trying to sabotage us give him a way out of my ‘drama’ or ask if he was ready to do this deeper level of friendship with me.
I explained I needed to start afresh and know if I was going to do this alone. I survived very lonely teenage years, but I know it is better to share one’s burden rather than carry it all alone no matter how much of a bad bitch or independent man one is. That conversation happened and we sort of hit an understanding about expectations and what we see friendships as, and it helped unlock a new level of closeness between us. That’s what communication does, no matter how difficult or unpleasant, it goes a long way in clearing things up.
It feels like a soft landing for me; as I am shedding off the old, I am falling into the safety of this two developing friendships. Akin and Niyi are part of the blessings I have had in this city. Will it last or will life lead us through different paths? I don’t know, but I choose to focus on what we have now and be grateful that we have each other.
“The right company exists: the kind that nurtures, shares your values, believes in your process, respects you and is going where you’re headed. Find it.” – Oreoluwa Fakorede
Akin recently created a WhatsApp group for us titling it the ‘3 Musketeers’. We are three guys who seem to have clicked and understand each other. We each have our respective long-term plans, and it’s been beautiful how we have been sharing information and resources, trying to help each other work towards each’s goal, while also having fun and keeping each other company.
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I am thankful for all I have had to deal with this month, I have finally found closure and let go of the old life. This has been a major step in helping me settle in properly to the new life journey I am on.
School resumed fully this week (the main reason I moved) and I am glad I can start with a clear head. I feel settled and ready for what I hope will be an exciting experience. More importantly, I am glad I came in months early because I can’t imagine what it would have been like having to juggle getting used to the city, learning to drive right hand, and also incorporating my work schedule with school. Coming in early has helped slow down the process for me and helped me take it one at a time.
This is me hitting restart for 2023, leaving behind the past, and focusing on where I am while working towards a beautiful stable future. I have let go of the old and opened myself to receive even much better blessings.