iyosayi14 Reflections Leave a Comment

Finally you have all you’ve longed for and things are beginning to make sense after a tough period. Career wise, things are looking better. Financially, you are in a comfortable place. Generally, you feel successful and on the right track. You are grateful for where you are now.

Then it suddenly hits you – there’s really no one to share all this success with. You look back and realize that in pursuit of a future, you somewhat succeeded in alienating yourself and probably let the human part of you die, sort of. The darkness looms and you begin to feel down.

Well, sooner than you hoped for, fate smiles on you. You meet someone. A new friendship starts. Nothing really special, just the normal talks, chats and laughter and the whole process of getting to know someone new.

Soon enough you realize it was a friendship bound to happen someday; you both share lots of mutual friends. The bond of friendship gets stronger. Even in your busy schedules you both make out time to see yourselves each day – early in the mornings before serious work starts and late in the evenings after close of business. Sometimes, if you are lucky, you get to see mid day.

Gradually, that part of you that died begins to awaken and one day, you realize you’ve begun to feel again. You smile more, you feel at home with your new friend, you can’t wait for close of work to talk and walk to the bust stop together. You are alive again.

You meet one of your mutual friends and gush about this new friend you’ve made. Your friend sees the glow in your face, the sparkle in your eyes and passion in your smile as you go on and on. The signs are all there. You have fallen in love without even noticing.

Your friend shakes his head and tells you point blank- you are in love. You pause; maybe even cringe at the thought. You ask yourself silently, ‘me in love?” seems odd. You stay silent and ponder. The truth stares you in the face and then you blush.

Could you really be in love?

Next day comes and you begin to look at your new friend with a different eye. Everything seems to have changed. Truly, you are in love. Over several meets the thought hangs in there but you don’t want to move too fast for fear of ruining what you have. You begin to look for reasons why it won’t work out between you two. You find some, but they are trivial issues. Your normal ‘runaway’ nature kicks in…your fear of commitment starts working over time.

Finally, you grow a pair and express how you feel. Lucky you, you are not a loner in love. The feeling is mutual. You want more, you want to feel her lips and hold onto her. You want to express your care. You dream of how your first kiss will be, epic hopefully. Each time you try, but each time she holds back. You confront her, thinking she has a boyfriend.

What she tells you gets your head spinning. You aren’t expecting such a reply. Heck! You have never heard of such before. She says she’s in a program and to be successful she has promised herself to God not to get involved with anyone or get intimate in any manner. Not even a kiss!

Sex was never on your mind. Just cuddling, kissing, going out on dates and bonding. You think about it and you realize in a certain way, you’ve found someone who’s not into the whole physical ish. She actually wants something more valuable. You ask her out officially and she says what’s the difference between what you people have going on (talks, chats, meeting, walks). What’s really going to change now? But she doesn’t get it. The feeling of it all being exclusive, the feeling of knowing this is officially my special one…

You remember the movie – Think like a man. The whole Megan Good’s 90days rule. Maybe this is what you need to finally get it right for once. No rush, just knowing yourself truly, in and out for some months. The wait would be worth it.

Everything goes on well afterwards, though you try to tone down your feeling. But one day you slip and say the words ‘I love you’. Surprisingly, she says the words back. You can’t even describe the feeling. Totally made the world to you!

Then something happens (as they always do). Situation changes and that very thing that ruined all your previous attempts at love in the past comes again.


You might have to change location soon but you are not so sure. Once again, just when you think you’ve finally gotten it right, long distance seems to destroy it again. You know the drill, you can’t do long distance. The pain that comes with it, just too much for you to bear. And then it starts all over again – you begin to withdraw from her. Better to step back now than continue and fall even harder.

You are still not sure if you are moving, but most likely you might. This hurts and shatters you. For once, you met the right one. One who isn’t into the physical, one you could really relate to and suddenly it’s all threatened. Your old self kicks in. So you run….

The only way you can deal is to lock yourself in and stay away. The hurt kills you, you miss her but somethings about love you still haven’t come to understand. All you think about is being with her, spending a whole day with her. What’s she doing now? Does she miss you as much as you miss her? Or does she even miss you at all? You wish things could be easier. Why must distance ruin this? So close, yet so far.

You console yourself with the cliché ‘time heals’. Just like the others heartaches, you’ll heal from this or maybe this might just be the final nail on the coffin and you just might never recover and never feel again.

Just maybe, maybe things may get better and you’d not have to move or maybe still, it’s all part of the learning process…one thing feels sure, you’ve lost her, hopefully not forever… Someday fate might bring you guys back again.

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