“Therefore, whatever you want men to do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets” – Matthew 7 vs 12.
This is one verse of the bible I don’t resonate with. It’s almost as if it’s the things I’d never do to others, people keep doing to me.
Something happened ending last month that has brought me to a place where I no longer desire to go the extra mile for anyone. I want to sort out the pending issues I promised a few persons I will assist with and be done. Throw off everyone’s weight and walk free into the wild. Turn the world off and tune into myself.
People are really not it. I have since realized how selfish and self-serving society is. But I naively thought in my small circle, I’d be able to influence a few persons, teach others what love truly is about. But seems everyone is more about themselves, while the few that still hold on to a part of their humanity only try to be there when their help is expressly sought. But should it be so?
Several times I have seen myself reach out to people just from my observation that they are in a fix, or I over hear them complaining. I am that guy that even though I may be drowning, I’ll still stretch out my hand to save another person.
Even on social media, when I see someone pouring stuff out or posting cryptic messages that tells they are hurting, I always try to reach out. I may not have the right words, a simple message of ‘it is well with you’ helps. Even if they are not willing to share or talk about what they are going through, I know my reaching out to them goes a long way in making them feel better. I mean, life really is so hard, why can’t we help someone feel a bit better?
While I have since understood the world doesn’t give you as much love as you give it, I found it a difficult pill to swallow when those I felt were my close pals stayed on the side-line while I burned. It’s one thing to have the world watch while I drown, but to also have those I consider close friends stand on the side-lines and not reach out? Pushed me off the edge.
I get that not everyone is the same. Not everyone has sharp instincts like me. From a thousand miles I can sense when a close friend is going through hell. I pay attention to my friends, their tweets and status on various social media platforms because most persons don’t like bothering others or find it easy opening up to the next person on issues they are facing. Everyone has a language and only true friends recognize it. I realized I was alone for real, on my own and I could be dead and not one of my supposed close friends would notice. I was sending clear cries for help but not one person seemed to catch it. It felt cold being abandoned by the world at a time of despair.
I am not the type of guy to hold things within me. I need a space to release the mess going on in my head. Most times I use Twitter to vent/rant. I let out my frustrations there and also do same on my Instagram story using background music that the lyrics fit my situation. Afterwards when my head is calm, I delete and regret it because I always feel someone out there is having an opinion about me along the line of “oh, that drama king is here again”.
I am insecure about how people perceive me (not in ways you think). Most times I don’t care how people feel about me, I only bother that they see me as mentally unstable. I know I have deep issues but to a large extent I think I have a grasp on life and its realities.
Most of the times I vent on social media to free my head and not to seek attention or look for someone to come running to save me. But I was not getting the best of it as I was bothered about the silent opinions people were having when they read the tweets and no one reached out. So I decided to take back my twitter after this last episode.
I realized hey, Sayi you are doing social media wrongly. Instagram is where we show our perfect lives so why make a mess of your image there? Everyone is always happy and picture perfect so why ruin the fun with your moody posts?
Twitter is a mad house. People come on there to argue (waste their time/use it as a place of escape from holes in their lives, instead of fixing up), get entertained by meaningless bants and boost their fragile sense of self-worth chasing clout and retweets. So why destroy your image with rants/vents?
I deactivated my account for a while but I needed a place to release the thoughts in my head. My blog is way too structured for simultaneous short vents, which made me reactivate my account. I ended up getting a lot of persons off my twitter and putting my account on private (funny, Elohor said she was on my profile when I was doing this. She kept seeing people disappear from my followers and following list. She stayed watching, waiting for her turn to be raptured). I left a few people I know get me, and are already used to my episodes.
As for Instagram, I’m still yet to decide what it would be. For now I have deactivated replies to my stories. I don’t need anyone sending me messages complementing my music taste or telling me how good looking my pictures are. I need people who see beyond the physical stuff. I need those who see deep within, sees my scars and acknowledges my pain. I’m done with those who have reduced our friendship to a source of entertainment. I get that not everyone can handle the difficult conversations but right now those are not the kind of persons I need around me.
I saw this tweet recently and then I shared my two cents on the issue as well –
I was calling out for help but the world watched me burn and stayed still. It was just Elohor that had my back that period without me having to tell her anything. I understood the world really doesn’t care, but to have my close friends join the world watch me drown and no one even tried to find out what was happening?
That stung. I felt let down by those I trusted to always be there.
The final straw that led me to my turning point, to the point where I have told myself enough with the grand gestures, enough with the caring too much for colleagues, friends and strangers. It was the Saturday I published the previous blog post. I was there struggling to stay afloat while my mood sank to a crippling low. I was calling out for help but people were viewing my status and not checking on me but yet some were buzzing my phone for one thing or the other.
But, how difficult is it to pay attention?
The one that hit me most was the message from a former colleague who I think has been the most disappointing. He buzzed – “boss, please can you bail me out?” While he was still at my office I know I did my best to teach him about love and caring for others. There was a day he did something, I had to ask if he wasn’t learning anything from me.
At times I do grand gestures, not just to help someone out of difficulty, but also to show them how to be there for others. To understand this phrase – being there for others because you know what it’s like to not have anyone there for you.
But seems all my efforts have been a waste. People will always be self centered.
I got better and posted a recent picture of myself at work. My face was lit up and you won’t even get the vibe I just walked through hell. And then someone who knew my struggles, who stayed silent while I was hurting buzzed ‘sup’. It took me hours to respond, cus honestly I didn’t want to. It felt wrong that he disappeared when I know for real, he was aware I was going through a deep end, only for him to reappear once it was obvious the storm was over. It didn’t sit right with me.
‘So if you are gonna love me
You gotta love all of me
You gotta love, deeper than that
Now, if you’re gonna leave me
You better run far away
I’d hate for you to leave me attached’
– Bad luck (Khalid)
I feel undone, distant and detached from society (people). Over the years I have been intentional about those I want around me, purposely secluding myself to make my cycle very small. But this time around, I’m in this space where I want to ghost myself from everyone and walk alone. Maybe it’s time I
chose myself learn selfishness and take a page out of the manual on self-preservation everyone seems to be preaching these days.
I have chosen not to settle for less love than I give. Like Philip once said to me, ‘you deserve the same energy you give to others’.
I’m done being loved less.
I know I set myself up for hurt expecting people to be there for me in same measure I try to be there for them. I know it’s me setting up myself for pain, hoping that someone would notice I am going through stuff. But that’s the shitty side of this thing, you know you need help, and you should reach out for help, but you are so broken down by the weight of it all, sinking in misery that the energy to reach out deserts you.
Valentine made a comment on my last blog post. He said while he was reading the post the words that came to his mind were lyrics of Beyonce’s Save the hero. I initially replied him that I am not a hero, and I can’t stop trying to save others even if my world is falling apart. After a while, I got angry and deleted my response. I felt short-changed. How can I have rooted so hard for others but yet I have not even tasted half of what it is to have someone root so hard for me?
I’m angry and hurt and the only thing that makes sense to me is to detach. But I know I truly can’t. I doubt I will ever be any less of a compassionate person than I have always been. Funny enough as I am ranting here, my head is figuring out ways on how to be there for two friends. I have accepted that I am the guy that loves deeply, that loves easing people’s pain and loves being there for others. I am that guy who fights back tears when people give testimonies during service at church, it’s so embarrassing.
Left to me I’d love to be on my own, lost in my space but unfortunately humans are wired such that we need others to survive.
I am not asking for money and I am not asking that anyone fix me. I honestly do not want to complicate anyone’s life with my issues or drag you into my raging seas. I just need you to show that you are there and I am not alone; that you see and hear me.
That beyond all the glamour of my travels, beyond my smile that comes naturally even when I’m in a bad place, you see my scars. That I am safe even when my world is falling apart and it feels like I am being rocked off earth’s surface. That you’ll keep an eye on me as I wade through this ocean that sometimes seem to overwhelm me. Is that too much to ask?
Lately I had to ask myself if I have been seeking safety in those who don’t want to have the hard conversations. Lowkey, I feel those I used to run to are tired of me. I remember one time when Henry said ‘one moment I’d think you are getting better, only for you to breakdown again’. I couldn’t even respond to that. I felt like a burden.
I guess this time, my pain was too much for them to bear or they saw it as a normal cycle for me. Like dude will be fine after a while, he always bounces back, let me give him space.
Or they were really busy at the time, I mean everyone is pretty busy these days and trying to sort out their own lives.
Being that I am not ready for therapy, and also the need to protect myself from my expectations and then feeling bad no one noticed or checked up on me while I was calling out for help, I have decided to stick to travel as a way of escape for now. Find ways to keep my mood up void of medication, no putting my issues on anyone anymore. Basically going to be my own hero and find ways to save myself.
Reward read my last post and he offered to help. While I am grateful for the kind gesture, I had to let him know I have made up my mind to try going the journey on my own. Though I’ll keep his offer at the back of my mind, like a lifeline just incase shit gets too heavy for me to carry alone. But let me at least try and see how far I will go on this solo trip.
What I didn’t tell him was, I don’t want to set myself up for rejection again. What if like the others I leaned on, he gets tired or used to my episodes and thinks it’s an unending cycle? Or he doesn’t get me, and gives up. I know how I can be about getting help and there’s the angle of him not having the professional training to handle my relapses or times I may seem to fall off track and reject his help. These are just excuses tho, plain truth is, I am not comfortable leaning on anyone again. People always leave.
I have made up my mind to make this journey alone going forward. I’m grateful for those who have been a major support system and lifeline in the past. But this last time shook me. I need to protect myself and in so doing, I have to adjust my expectations. I don’t want to feel abandoned again, or feel like those I held on to missed my cry for help. That shit hurt like hell, and sunk me even deeper. So to stay safe, I have decided to do this on my own and if I drown, atleast I know I was heading for the shore.
Friendship should mean much more and we should all start reciprocating the love we receive from others. It’s not okay to always be the one on the receiving end or be that person who disappears when you are needed most, only to come when the storms have settled. It’s not okay to choose the parts of someone to interact with. If you can’t be there for them during their dark times, you shouldn’t be there when it’s blooming around them. Friendship is not about choosing comfort, it’s about love and love is sacrifice.
‘Had a hundred friends but I cut them off
I don’t need ‘em
Not like any of them gave a fuck if I was breathin’
Summer’s over so they switch around like the seasons
Gotta keep my guard up now I’m playing defense
Everybody wants a favour, everybody needs me
But I’m too busy tryin’ to fight away all of my demons’
– Hundred (Khalid)