Few days ago I woke up to this song playing – Recover by X Ambassadors off of their new album (Orion).
The lyrics hit me – “I will recover, I’ll be okay, I’m gonna own my pain…”
I had been pissed about a situation I led myself into. I was having misplaced anger towards my ex, though I was the one who initiated contact while I was in Lagos at the beginning of the month.
I went looking for closure. I needed to get the load I had been carrying for months off my chest. We talked about all that went wrong, where it all fell apart and we left each other feeling better for it that day.
While we talked that day, I could see reasons why we were never meant for each other. I wish I stopped there and I didn’t try to follow up via chatting or try to force a friendship. I pride myself as the guy who remains friends, or best friends with his exes, but I have now come to realize the friendship will happen in its own time, or may not happen at all.
After getting back to Benin City, we continued communicating via chats. I noticed I was the one always initiating the chats (this was one issue we always had when we were together). This was sorted out. We began to derail, talks about getting back together started coming up.
We continued communicating and my feelings got messed up. Things fell apart September last year, though we tried to work things out but it was never the same. I think for me, I was done for real that September, even though a part of me found it hard letting it go.
We broke it off officially in December last year. Moving on has never been easy for me, I mean, it once took me a year to move on from someone I barely dated for two months. This time around, I knew I was in for it for real, being that we were together for a year plus. I refused to go the easy way of rebound or quickly dating someone else, (does it really work though?) I wanted to heal for real, allow time do what it knows how to do best.
I thought I was ready to put myself out there in May. After a disastrous attempt at starting a new relationship, getting reacquainted with my ex felt like a breather. It was comforting chatting with someone familiar, someone I was used to (dating/starting afresh, getting to know someone anew and striking a balance is such an extreme sport). Chatting with my ex reminded me of the good days when we started, it felt easier. I was missing the feeling and not the person. I didn’t realize this then.
I have been secluding myself from
people since September last year. My detaching from people got triggered when I
realised most of the so called
friends acquaintances I made online were
the ones flirting with my babe. Something in me broke and I realized, people
will always be shit, especially this generation where loyalty is rare and
people keep saying online is not real life.
Turns out my ex is still friends with one of the ‘friends’. I made it known I was not going to stick around for that, even though I understood the peculiarity of the situation they currently were in. I endured enough disrespect while we were together, all those meaningless flirting with my friends. Till now I have still not been given an answer why that even happened. All I get is declaration of love and that the others never mattered. So why then? You had a good thing but you just had to ruin it. Sometimes, humans amaze me. What was I expecting? This was same person who admitted to cheating on previous ex by having flings while their relationship was on. Why did I ever think I won’t get same treatment?
I made it know I was not going to stick around while their friendship continued. I know it’s ridiculous to ask another to choose between you and someone. Maybe it’s a complex, I don’t really care. I have since come to realize I am not the guy people choose. It might as well be linked to my not being able to handle rejection. I ride so hard for my friends and I expect same level of energy from them but what do I get in return?
Maybe I am really that jealous best friend or boyfriend who doesn’t like sharing. The way I know how to deal with jealousy is to walk away. I don’t know how to compete and I have since told myself I won’t fight for anyone ever again. Did that in the past and I lost woefully, twice.
I saw this post on entitymag.com and it made a whole lot of sense to me –
“Do not choose me, choose her. Because if you really love me, I would not be one of the choices. Not A, not B, not C. I would be the final answer.
I would not fight against it, I’d gladly give you up.
If you feel you must choose, please do not choose me” – Krizzia Paolyn
I want to seclude myself so much, for peace of mind. I want to be able to count the number of friends I have from the top of my head. Loyalty and trust are so much of big deals for me. They are my deal breakers when it comes to friendship and relationships.
Right now, I am very okay with the few old friends I have known for years who have shown consistency and loyalty. No one really needs the whole world around, sometimes just one person on your side is an army.
I sent a message about it. As hard as it was for me, I came clean and admitted I was jealous. I sent Labrinth’s Jealous track to pass my message across (something I do a lot, communicate via songs).
I got a response but I was too messed up to open it, so I left it hanging for a day or so. When my head was clear I opened the message, was not really much of a reply as such. Nothing to reply to.
The silence continued.
As the days went by I began to get uneasy. Was this not the same person that apologised for waiting for me to initiate chats which day here? At first I was pissed at my ex for still being same old person who does that thing, where, if you are the last person to send a message, you won’t message the other person till the person chats you up. God! I was like some people just never grow. Then I realised I was more pissed at myself for even bringing myself into the drama all over again. I began to feel reaching out for closure was a big mistake.
Like common, these are the same silly issues. I know I got my dose of issues, I am not the most easy going person to be with but it can’t be said I didn’t learn and adjust certain things about myself to make the relationship work, even when it made me feel uncomfortable.
How’s it that same thing keeps happening over and over again without you learning from it? Babe probably got angry I didn’t open the message immediately. Something similar happened in December or so. I mean, this is not even the first time. It’s something I have explained; When I am in a bad place, I can’t bring myself to read messages because of what I am dealing with. You’d think same wisdom will be applied here, but nah, just have to stay stuck in your ways and expect everyone to react to things the way you will. This was another issue we had, our thought process and outlook on life were entirely different.
Later on it dawned on me, like oh wait o, this silence actually means I wasn’t chosen. Everything became clearer, I mean the sky became really blue and I could hear the birds chirping clearly from afar. Truthfully, the long vulnerable message I sent about not going to be able to stick around while they were friends, me admitting my jealousy, was actually me low-key fighting for us getting back even when my brain screamed every reason why we shouldn’t.
Mostly I felt tricked. I put myself in that low position ‘cus after we met in Lagos, I made a statement about working towards a good friendship but the response I got was, I don’t want friendship, I want things to get back to how it was. That was what got me. I can’t explain it, some force just always led me back. I’d have a talk with myself, make a decision to stick with moving on from all the drama…but one hi and I’m running back. “Why do fools fall in love?”
Unfortunately, with some people you never ever get the true picture or full truth. Odd, especially coming from someone who talks so much about effective communication. If anything, babe’s the queen of bottling up. Stuff would happen and I would ask how do you feel? The reply was always nah, its fine, I’m okay. Meanwhile babe is bottling stuff up, which would be held as a grudge and used against me much later. *sigh
In a weird way, I felt relieved by the silence. I mean, barely two weeks had we reconciled and the drama was back. It was then I realized it was the feeling of being in a relationship I missed, not the person in particular.
But still I couldn’t shake off the feeling of being left out in the cold after my vulnerability. I ignored my rational thoughts, I chose to give us another chance. But nah, the other party wanted everything on a platter, not ready to give anything up…tsk tsk. Then I remembered a line in the Labrinth’s song I sent – ‘but I always thought you’ll come back, tell me, all you found was heartbreak and misery…’
I laughed when I remembered this line because I knew this was the final blow. Like please, don’t ever make the mistake of coming back. You can’t have it all, or think you will leave for now, go have all the fun believing that as usual, I will be here waiting with open arms to take you back.
It was bad enough you flirted with my friends, lied to my face and acted out when you were confronted, making me doubt/question myself and suspicions, thinking I was the one with the problem. But you wish we could get back to how we used to be while you are still being friends with the same people you disrespected me with? Seriously?
Shows how low you must think of me.
In life you really can’t have it all, don’t be a spoilt child. Some things just have to give. You have to let go and choose what’s important to you (else you go about chasing stones while leaving diamonds behind).
This was beyond choosing me. This was just another reminder of how we both saw life from different angles. Why did I bothered to stay long in the relationship in the first place? I wish I never made the resolve to do the long haul. I felt bound to it, and I honestly didn’t want to fail. I was too focused on going the long haul to realize I was letting myself tolerate way too much crap.
@Segalink tweeted this recently – “A strong relationship requires choosing to love each other even in those moments when you struggle to like each other”.
On the surface it looks like a good advice but if you ponder on it a bit longer, you realize this is what makes people endure so much disrespect and toxicity. Many times I chose to ignore the fact I wasn’t really feeling my partner’s personality that much. I felt this was someone I love dearly and I had made a commitment to stay the long haul but deep down we were far from compatible.
I know I have a soft heart and I forgive easily but there’s only so much I can take before I close my heart. I have arrived at that point.
The new single by Chris Brown featuring Justin Bieber sums it all –
“Won’t let the ghosts of our past weight my future down
Energy is like a circle, it comes back around
Don’t go reaching out
‘cause you can’t have everything
No matter how hard you try
Don’t check on me if we are not together
And it’s probably for a reason”
But my pride was hurt. I had walked away ending December, telling myself 2019 was a fresh start for me and I was not going to take any of the madness into it. My life had been pretty decent till I reached out for closure early this month. Now I had gone back to my vomit and got myself immersed in silly drama.
My emotions got all worked up. I was now furious at myself. Each day I repressed what I was feeling. Normally I’d ignore any thought of whatever is eating me up, running from dealing. I’d carry on, filled with bile and rage till the feeling fades away but deep down I know there is an unresolved issue.
So waking up to the X Ambassadors’ song that morning, I told myself for once I was not going to run. I was going to deal, I’d own my pain and go through it.
“Let it hurt, let it bleed
Let it take you right down to your knees
Let it burn to the worst degree
May not be what you want, but it’s what you need
Sometimes the only way around it
Is to let love do its work and let it hurt” – Let it hurt (Rascal Flatts)
At night, I lay down on my bed, eyes closed, opened my mind and let it work through everything. I processed it all, like I have never done before. I dug so deep, I let my head deal with every emotion, thoughts and feelings. It was very uncomfortable but I had to swallow the bitter pill.
My mind went through crap I had been trying to ignore. I had to get up several times to breathe, then went back right at it, digging and dealing with all the pieces of anger and hurt till well, sleep took over. I slept terribly that night, but I woke up a better man.
I got clarity and realised four things which were true and a fifth which I must work on –
- It was good I reached out and found closure.
- I tried to force a friendship, mistaking my missing the feeling of being in a relationship with thinking I was missing my ex.
- I realised, with this specific ex, I do not have to remain friends for many reasons which are glaring.
- I don’t have any feelings for my ex; love or resentment. I am numb and done with. Everything that happened needed to happen to get me here.
- All these arose from idleness.
- I remember late March/early April when I was studying for a professional exam (I finally aced it – Distinction! after failing it twice) I didn’t have time to be thinking of exes or finding a new boo. I was focused, engaged and had purpose. Saturdays were spent at the office reading and I always felt excited when I gained new knowledge. I recently tweeted I miss preparing for exams and I got reactions from peeps along the line of what’s wrong with this one? Well, this has always been who I am. I loved night reading classes back then in the University. Examination periods always made me feel alive and energetic. It took me a while after graduating to get used to not preparing for exams.
- Like I stated in this post, 2019 is about me putting myself through uncomfortable experiences. This year is about me taking exams I have been avoiding. I have been craving new knowledge for a while now. This is not a fluke, like I finally admitted to Afona the other day. Each year end when the pressure is on, when I feel like promotion is dicey, that’s when I look for an escape. I start my drama of going abroad for masters. Truth is, this has been like a distraction; me looking for a plan B (going for masters) in case plan A (my job) goes wrong. I am over that now.
- Since I love my job, weird I know… I have decided to do my MSc in Benin City. I feel ready and low key excited about it. Though I have always thought my second degree will be from a foreign institution, I have to make do. Yea, I know I could do the online masters thingy, but it won’t work for me. I love the class room experience dearly. I need to go through it, feel the school and environment. I need everything real, not virtual.
It’s time to develop myself and focus on me. I have never really been a relationship person, the one time I decided to actually go the long haul, I got reminded for real why it is such a risk loving someone, trusting someone to reciprocate your level of commitment.
Maybe I have not met the right person. Maybe I may meet that person who will rock my world and change every opinion I have about relationships, about marriage even, make a believer out of me, who knows?
I saw this quote recently. The moment I saw it, I knew that was where I was as regards my ex.
“Realizing people aren’t meant for you and not resenting them
P/S – It took me a week to write this post. A week filled with different emotions. At first it felt like therapy. As the words flowed, I felt lighter, all I had been sorting out in my head flowing out of me with all its weight. Mid-week I was filled with rage as I went over the words already written. A day later I was contemplating deleting everything. I abandoned it for two days and came back to it this weekend. I’m in this state of mind where it’s like a chapter in my life has been closed and I’m headed to a fresh start.
I feel free and can relate to every words Muna tweeted –
“I believe everything happens for a reason. People change so you can learn to let them go. Things go wrong so you can appreciate them when they are right. You believe lies so eventually you learn to trust no one but yourself. And sometimes, good things fall apart so better things can fall together.” – @munchyberry