Note to self – I need…I have to cut myself some slack.
I need to learn that in the growth process it’s okay to err, but what matters is that you pick yourself up and keep growing.
I need to understand that maturing into the man I desire to be, that man who is in charge of his emotions is not a day’s work.
I need to accept that I am not a robot and I will break one or two times, which is okay, but I must grow from there.
The past 72 hours has been a haze. I still haven’t been able to process how things happened in quick succession, almost taking me back to same level of rock bottom I was at ending April.
See, the thing called fear or should I be honest and admit it? I do have anxiety attacks. This is real, even though the conclusion in 2013 by the Cardiologist was that I was misdiagnosed and mistreated for panic attacks. The first doctor was probably right but I guess I had a bigger health issue overshadowing the attacks.
From a calm Saturday (though stressed out from being at work that day) to everything going downhill in quick succession. Getting the unexpected news that triggered my anxiety, to trying to calm myself down, to going the self-destructive route (in the name of distracting myself) ending my relationship, to having a horrible night, to opening up to friends just to save my self even though I really wasn’t ready. God!! I thought I had learnt to control how I react to issues?
Yet again I let myself lose it. I got to that point where I allowed my mind drift for a split second, wondering, just how at peace and free I would be if I was dead…
“You’d think that I’d learn my lesson by now
You’d think that I’d somehow figure out
That if you strike the match
You’re bound to feel the flame
But I still drive myself right through the pain
Yeah, well it turns out, I haven’t learned a thing”
– Learn my Lesson (Daughtry)
I used the better part of Sunday to chide myself for breaking and losing control yet again. I was hard on myself, questioning if I will ever get it right. I forgot I was just human and that growth is a process.
Now I ask myself, the news I got that brought my world crashing, was it even bad news? In truth it wasn’t but for the fear of the unknown. I should have been happy a loved one was getting discharged after 4 months in the hospital. But I freaked because the discharge date was much earlier.
I have been mentally preparing myself for a later date, but here it was right in my face. I remember trying to digest the information gradually but along the line I froze and let my mind wonder.
I remembered all the times after being discharged, then next thing was a relapse. Just like in April…the chaos, the pain….all still too fresh and I doubted
we were I was strong enough to go through it again, so soon. You’d think that dealing with this for years would make me stronger, but no, each episode hits me afresh and drives me down that dark hole.
“Breaking at the cracks
And everything goes black
It’s another heart attack
And I can’t handle that…”
– Breakin’ at the Cracks (Colbie Caillat)
I forgot that God was riding with us. I forgot how he showed up for me twice last week, solving two issues that have been disturbing me at work, one could have earned me a suspension. I forgot just how He showed up for us in April and calmed our storm…I forgot these words I have been holding on to…
“We are so afraid of everything going wrong. We forget about all the different possibilities of everything going right.”
I should have been thankful for the good news and believed that God is working things out for our good. I mean, looking at it logically now makes me wonder why I lost it. I guess that’s what happens when you let fear ride over you.
See some people have this life easy, but some of us have it hard. We just have to keep believing God and learn to grow through our pain. Carry our cross and trust Him fully, especially those times when it seems God doesn’t make sense.
“I know this ain’t for nothing
There’s nothing you don’ make
I know you got your reasons
This shit’s just hard to take
I don’t mean to criticize
I know I’m hard to teach
I know you tell me there’s nothing wrong with me
Yea, but why does my life have to hurt so much?
Dear God, are you sure that you don’t mess up?
I know you don’t mess up, yeah
Dear God, just remind me you don’t mess up”
– Dear God (Hunter Hayes)
I feel so pained like, it’s not fair my folks are going through this. It breaks my heart seeing them go through this and well, it amazes me how much stronger they are than I have been.
I stay away so I don’t be a cause for concern, like I was in April when I got torn to pieces before their eyes. I’m not as strong as I wish I could be for them, so the best I can do is not worsen their burden. Not to let them see me go through this pain, to let them believe I am fine is the best I can do. But the staying away makes me miss out on things and then when I find out, I feel like I am not doing enough and it hurts me.
They keep saying I have my own life to live…but then how can I feel okay when this is as much a part of my life also? Maybe I am making a mistake, thinking I am superman that I have to save the world around me…maybe I am not. It’s all so hard and confusing trying to stay sane and be there for them at the same time.
“So pull yourself together
Pull yourself together
Take everything you need
Open up to open arms
Pull yourself together for me…”
– Pull yourself together (The Boxer Rebellion)
To the one who holds my heart, I did it again and I hate that I keep putting you through all this. I have accepted that I am toxic for you. You deserve so much better. That is why I am letting you go my dear.
We would have been one year this Saturday, but all I can see is one year of me taking out my pain and frustrations on you. Each time I’m drowning I take it out on you to distract myself. While I am telling myself this is not me succumbing to my demon of pushing people away, I want to honestly believe I am acting in good faith letting you go.
You deserve someone who is whole, not someone who is broken/damaged to complicate your life. You deserve peace, so take it my love. But if you choose to stay, to stick with me, then I’ll try to be a better version of myself. But mostly I’d love for you to take this gift of freedom and save yourself from me.
“Tell me you’ve been tortured
Tell me you’ve been beaten
And what I’ve done to you
And even if it doesn’t matter
Matter what’s true
Say that you don’t want me
Tell me I’m the fool
Tell me that its over
This time is true
Tell me I’m unknown
– Unknown (to you) – Jacob Banks
I’m tired, though stable now. But to be honest it feels like I’ve pushed the fear to a corner. Like it’s lurking, waiting to spring and take over. I have chosen to be strong, to stay positive and believe that all things will work out fine in the end.
Thankfully, my annual leave is around the corner, I can take a trip or two to breathe and clear my head. Travel is therapeutic for me. An escape; a safe haven for me. Forget all those smiles you may see on my travel pictures. If only you knew the pain beneath the smiles, my broken smiles you may call it.
“Although I might be laughing loud and hearty
Deep inside I’m blue
So take a good look at my face
You’ll see my smile looks out of place
If you look closer, it’s easy to trace
The track of my tears”
– Track of tears (Adam Lambert)
It’s my sincere prayer that someday I will read this post and I will laugh because all of this will be a distant memory and all will be fine indeed, with our heads held up high.
“Ever had a feeling that you can’t go on?
Trying to be strong but getting weaker
Carrying the weight of every single day
Having lost your way, feeling defeated
Sat staring, counting spiral patterns on the wall
You wonder if your luck is ever gonna turn around at all
Confused and battered by the motion of the changing tides
You’re nearing empty and you’ve barely got the will to fight
You wonder if you’re gonna live or if you will survive at all
You need a little light to guide the way
Waiting on the sun to shine again
You got to keep your head up high
You need a little hope to carry on
In the middle of the night when you’re alone
You got to keep your head up high”
– Head up high (Kodaline)