April…this month almost had me but God’s Mercies kept me.
I sank low, I got to my breaking point and almost lost it.
The month started well though I sensed the first few weeks would be tough but I never expected it to be as horrible as it turned out to be. I had a professional exam coming up second week of the month and I wasn’t fully prepared. I had pending issues I was yet to sort out at work also. One or two more issues came up to add to my already filled hands. Slowly it began to feel like each day came with its own trouble. I told two of my friends about it and how it seemed I was living one week one trouble and asked they prayed for me. I may have sounded hysterical to them but I knew where I was headed wasn’t a good place.
I could feel the pressure building. I worked on my mind, trying to be brave and not worry but slowly life began to get overwhelming. I shut social media accounts down partially so I could concentrate on my exams. In between dealing with the stress of exam preparation there was an issue at work I desperately needed to sort out, heck two major ones. One really would have rocked my world and changed a whole lot of things for me.
I shoved everything aside. I pseudo-secluded myself from people. After four days of professional exams, I was drained. Exams were over and I was back to reality. I had to face the issues one by one. I reactivated my instagram account, the chats started coming and I felt like a stranger even to myself. I couldn’t bring myself to handle conversations. I felt distant from everyone and like, I was lost even to myself.
More issues kept coming up, both work related and domestic issues. Things were going wrong left, right, center and the bills started piling. I felt suffocated and wanted to scream out, tear out of the web of woes that seemed to overwhelm me. It was like, as I’m tackling one, another is coming up.
When it all got too much for me, after trying to carry on and be brave, I grew weary and headed towards self-destruction.
I was trying to get back to myself, trying to reignite conversations with good friends, trying to feel normal but my relationship was worst hit and I almost threw away seven good months of my life! We basically broke up actually, but then I knew I didn’t want that even if I was pretending I was fine. I wanted to start a fire, something to make me feel real pain, to break me even further and get me vexed…I was a host of confused feeling and emotions. I needed a distraction and sabotaging my relationship was the distraction. Luckily I back tracked before the damage became permanent.
Things got better third week. I felt the worst was over and I could breathe again. But April really wasn’t done with me. I fell ill and had to be off work for two days. There was one of the nights I felt so sick, I thought that was it, death had come for me. I was so ill, by 3am I had to call my H.M.O for a hospital…
I survived the illness. I recovered.
In all of this madness, I contemplated closing this blog, shutting down my instagram account, deleting my Facebook profile. I wanted seclusion. I felt I couldn’t breathe but then I told myself I’m stronger than this. I saw a tweet where one guy was like deleting your social media accounts doesn’t help. I was pleased to see people’s reply to him educating him that it’s a start to recovery.
Some of us like to vent, or rant about how we feel. We do it on social media without necessarily having to bother anyone. But in as much we do this, it’s critical not to put your private life out there because people are mean and just want to use your issues to distract themselves from their own misery. They start hurting you with their ignorant opinions and lack of empathy. They twists your words, undermine your pain and throw silly advice your way and this even drowns you more and works up your nerves. See, there are lots of damaged people out there looking for entertainment, so in as much as you need to let things out you have to protect yourself.
I removed all my pictures on instagram and I felt better a bit. Can’t explain it but it sure did me good and I could breathe. I tweeted less, I chatted less on Whatsapp, Facebook has been practically dead to me kinda. Just one day I got caught up in my feelings, I was silent at work and my colleague noticed. Normally I don’t let it show at work, infact I still go about looking for trouble and teasing everyone, smiling and joking without anyone noticing.
Oh, then Saturday 28th happened. I was either going to come out alive or April was going to consume me. But I’m here today and I’m thankful.
How everything went south I still can’t understand. I panicked yea, I was tired and wanted an instant solution and ended up aggravating the whole thing. My God! I almost lost it finally. We focus so much on the person who is ill that we forget about the toll it takes on the caregivers. Years of watching a loved one go in and out of the hospital on a regular can wear one out just as much.
I went so low and my mind drifted to the dark side.I got so weak mentally, it affected me physically as well. I couldn’t even stand properly ‘cus it felt like my soul was leaving me.
My world was spinning and my mind kept thinking if I wasn’t born wouldn’t it have been better? If I died would that not be the sweetest relief? The world was on me and I knew I needed help so I called Dr. Uyi, and I appreciate him so much for being there. Even though he just got home from playing tennis, he still drove down to meet me. I poured it all out and I found peace. We were in a quiet garden talking, then I slept off.
Just the few minutes I was asleep, all was right with the world. To think few minutes ago while taking a turn into the express way, I thought just how peaceful it would be if the oncoming vehicle would smash into my car and end it all.
I woke up. Few seconds later I was back to reality and I remembered my troubles. We talked for more hours, tried to distract myself and I got better. I couldn’t and still can’t thank him enough for helping to save me. I went home feeling lighter and better. I even forgot I was supposed to be at work that day.
I thought of resigning from my job, canceling all my travel plans for the year, secluding myself and run away to wherever and just be at peace. Then the word dropped which I have been repeating to myself- the trial of your faith worketh patience. Even if I lose it all right now, I know I’ll be fine and I know God is in control.
All my issues may not have been sorted yet, but there’s been great progress and I know in due time, the lines would all fall in pleasant places. Life may be hard and difficult but then the trial of our faith worketh patience!
I’m thankful for the hard times, I’m also thankful for the happy times. It’s all a learning process and mostly I’m thankful for all my friends who’ve been there for me and not letting me go even when I seclude myself…
I lay on my bed last night and then I remembered this 1981 song by Tim Sheppard – He will carry you. My dad used to play it on those old phonograph record player.
He will carry you, He will carry you, Shine His love on you
When you’ve given up He will lift you up,
Wrap His arms around you
When you can’t go on He will make you strong
Never let you go
He will carry you no matter how heavy your load
And even though He loves you so
You gotta take a lotta heartache if you ever wanna grow
So don’t give in to the fears within
You gotta He’ll be there to catch you when you’re falling
He’ll never turn away when He hears you calling
He will carry you – Tim Sheppard