Okiemute just asked me how was my almost over weekend.
I couldn’t even pretend and give the cliché response – ‘fine’. I replied with the sad truth. The weekend was lonely and difficult. One of the hardest weekends I have had in a while and I couldn’t be happier it was almost over. It’s was so bad I’m actually looking forward to work tomorrow so I can be in the company of people.
Though I know full well how alone one can be when in the midst of people you don’t connect with at certain levels.
“A crowded street can be a quiet place when you are walking alone” – It’s the only one you’ve got (3 Doors Down)
Lately I have been battling loneliness. Normal reaction would be why didn’t I just go out? Right? Now this is my dilemma. This kind of loneliness isn’t the type that needs company. Yes I actually do crave human company, but then, not necessarily just any company. I need to be around someone I can connect with on a creative level or artistic level. Sadly, my friends/acquaintances who I share such interests with don’t reside in my city. This loneliness wouldn’t be killed with friendship or communication over cyber space/social media.
It’s not like my chatting skills or social media game is even on point.
This loneliness came with deep all-encompassing sadness. It got me really down and questioning a lot of things, things like who I am and maybe being an introvert really isn’t the best way to live. Maybe I was I kidding myself all this while thinking I have cultured myself to love my own company.
I could easily pick up the phone and arrange to meet up with my more outgoing colleagues but I knew better. I would have come home and felt even worse – empty and lonelier because shallow conversations drain the life out of me. Maybe being ‘deep’ is a curse? Sort of the extroverts have it good. They seem to be always alive, happy, living in the moment and nothing ever seems to shake them. Isn’t that a much easier way to go through this complication called life?
It’s hard dealing with loneliness and then being the lazy introverted guy who hates going out doesn’t help matters. The thought of taking a bath or dressing up and then leaving the house…I just can’t. I feel safe within the comfort of my house and I wish I had that cool friend who’ll come over and we just discuss music all day, or trade new artists/songs we have discovered or share creative ideas, talk about blogs/books or photography or just anything interesting.
Saturday was a bit easier. I had a visitor but generally the day didn’t go as planned. It’s been a while I actually handled my camera. My hands are still itching to take great shots of landscapes or strangers walking by, go home and edit them…but still I managed to snap my visitor in my house. But indoors shoots don’t come close to shoots done with nature as background.
My saturday visitor awakened something I have been trying to ignore and move past. He made a comment about my stomach. The thing is, lately I have been gaining weight. Not like I’m all that robust or shii. I have this ‘bad’ habit Deyemi has been telling me to stop but I just can’t seem to. Funny as I am writing this piece I am downing a tall glass of my bad habit.
I got this Red label bottle, so in the comfort of the darkness of my parlour with the only illumination coming from my TV screen when I’m watching a movie or an episode of a series, I take a glass of red label mixed with either coke or malt. The best is always when I mix it with chilled coke. See me sounding like a pro, lol.
I couldn’t even understand the cork of the Red label bottle. I actually broke the top of the bottle with the corkscrew when I was trying to open it. Life is already hard enough, why would the manufacturers make the cork so complicated?
I usually use a small wine glass but I just had to go for a tall glass cup today and filled it to the brim. After a painful lonely weekend, I need this to feel alive. Really I’m so glad this weekend is over. From loneliness I almost started feeling depressed. I pictured myself several times taking a walk outside my house to one of the bus stops inside Uniben, so I could read my novel but then the laziness that was upon me today…I ended up reading the book at home. At a time when I was really feeling lonely and down, I lay defeated on my couch and asked myself, shey if you were married you won’t be feeling this way? But then it hit me, I don’t want to be married, at least not yet, neither do I want to be in a relationship. I’m still enjoying my seemingly freedom of being single.
“My alone feels so good. I’ll only have you if you if you are sweeter than my solitude” – Warsan Shire
I’m currently reading The Coffin dancer by Jeffery Deaver. Initially it was tedious reading it because the beginning didn’t seem properly written. I almost dropped the book for another one. Later on the story picked and the writing improved or I got used to it, dunno. Turns out to be a fast paced thriller. I have noticed when I start a book,it takes me forever to get to page 100 but once I hit that number, the pages just start flying by like I get so in tuned and wrapped up in the book till well, darkness falls and I have to switch to movies or music.
I took a break from the movie I am watching to write this piece. I am watching The Right Kind of Wrong, a 2013 movie. It’s one of those cheesy unrealistic love stories. Anyway what’s really picking my interest in this movie is the landscape and scenery. Totally breath-taking!! And then there’s a really cute trailer in the woods!! I wish I could have that life. A simple job, a trailer in the woods with such amazing landscape around me every day. Maybe just a wish or it could be my reality someday, who knows?
I digressed kind of, so about my weight gain. Sad thing is seems it’s my face and stomach that are really getting affected. I looked at my recent pictures and I wasn’t impressed. I have lost that fierce look my jaws used to have. Now it’s all cheeks. Really sad. And my stomach! I think that has got to be my major insecurity lately. It pains me when I see the pictures of those guys with six pacs. All I want is a flat stomach, I don’t even want the six pacs but alcohol and late night foods won’t let me be great. Exercise? Hahaha…I’m damn too lazy to do that. It’s only in my head I have taken up running. I have decided to love myself the way I am, for my peace of mind. Who wants me would have to love my flabby stomach as well. Easy for me to say till I see those six pacs on instagram.
I am no stranger to being alone but this was one hell of a crappy weekend. I have my weekend routine – Saturdays are for doing chores, then later in the day, I drive to Uniben, look for a quiet spot to write or read blogs online while listening to music or I stay at home and listen to music while on Sundays, I go to church early in the morning, get back home and take my cherished Sunday sleep. I read a novel till darkness falls and then switch to movies. I wonder why this weekend was so hard and why the loneliness crept in. It was so sickening, words will fail me to describe it. The feeling of emptiness around, I could feel this hollowness inside me. Sha, I’m glad the weekend is over…gotta go back to my movie and well, my tall glass of bad habit…
And you ask me what I want this year
And I try to make this kind and clear
Just a chance that maybe we’ll find better days
I wish everyone was loved tonight
Just a chance that maybe we’ll find better days
– Better days (Goo Goo Dolls)