iyosayi14 Reflections Leave a Comment

Joe King of The Fray (music band) once stated in an interview that his lyrics were mainly inspired by his experiences with the band: “With success, you have a lot more drama. For me, it was extreme highs in career and extreme lows in a relationship. There were really obvious things to write about.”
Well, I guess I can say same for me. Career wise, it’s been nice and a learning process. From working out of Lagos to being transferred to Benin which has been very good for my mental health. There were harder times in Lagos but mostly it all thought me on patience and how not to worry and leave it all to God. The moment I stopped bothering myself and trying hard, things started falling in place.

One thing I just don’t seem to have working out fine for me is relationships.
My colleague asked me this morning if I think I am capable of loving someone. I kept quiet for a while before replying her with I really don’t know. I know I can be so loved up and have strong feelings for someone but most times, it really doesn’t last.
I was being honest when I said it’s usually the beginning part I enjoy most, ‘when e still dey hot’. That’s when it’s sweetest. Once that phase is over, people end up managing each other’s flaws. Once in a while you get good moments, but really it’s mostly hard work.
I get tired of people too easily.
I have a phobia for having a long list of ‘exes’. To me, your number of your ‘exes’ kinda reflects if you are the one with a problem. I don’t believe you meet someone you feel attracted to and then jump into a relationship the next day. We shouldn’t act on attraction, that’s why we can’t date everyone we are attracted to.
I feel the right way is ‘date lightly’ for a while to see if it will work before anything serious starts. That period of ‘light dating’ should tell if you guys are compatible and into the same things. No labels or being official, helps you avoid investing your life in something that won’t work. Like someone once said, break ups are not fun, they are a waste of time and time is life.
I recently got myself in a bit of a mess. Scratch that, serious mess. I got involved in ‘light dating’ with more than one, heck one other girl who would have made it three, almost added to the mix.  She sent her friend to get my number as I was exiting an eatery ‘cus she was too shy to ask me herself.
She called later, we spoke then she sent her whatsapp number. I felt my hands were full with the two already in my life. Seriously I don’t know how people manage multiple dating. They have energy. So much confusion and drama to handle.  I like my life simple and stress free.
The whole light dating thing is okay, just don’t do it with more than one person at the same time. I mean, it’s really unfair when you finally get to the point where you have to choose between one of them. What happens to the one you don’t choose? That’s one of the mistake I made, same mistake the lead character also made in the movie ‘Because I said so’.
The one thing I know I did get right was at the beginning I did make it clear we were not in a relationship rather we were going slow, trying to see where it will lead us to. And when either one wanted more, I made it clear I wasn’t there yet. Shit! I think I was just being a player and selfish because I wanted both to myself or maybe not?
A thought just crossed my mind, if I was focused on one maybe I would have gotten there aswell?  ….*sigh
I remember how hard I was on an old flame back then when she explained she was torn between my close friend and I. I judged her as being selfish and insensitive. It was easy for me to be judgmental because I hadn’t walked in her shoes.
It’s really a thing, being genuinely torn between two people. I mean, it’s like you want them both merged into one person because they both have qualities you admire in different ways but you know you can’t have them all but still you don’t want to lose any of them.
I am now doing this thing where I try my best not to judge people’s actions. I remember an old post I had to apologize to all those I had judged because they stepped in when two people were having issues in their relationship and not giving them time to sort it out.
Truth is, you never know till you are in a similar situation. Lately I have been a staunch advocate of ‘there is no reason whatsoever to cheat’, but I am slowly beginning to question my stand.
Life in itself is complicated. You can imagine how two lives trying to synchronize and live as one would then be multi-complicated. Life is not black and white. This thing called love/relationship is not an easy something. Though I still believe it is better to leave than cheat.
Anyway back to the main issue. I met ‘A’.
A was cool, really nice and one thing I loved was the fact we had same taste in music. I once stated that I can’t date anyone who doesn’t have similar taste in music with me. Trivia as it seems, it has actually proven over time to be a major connecting factor. Once that music connection isn’t there, I don’t know why, but it feels odd and kinda all grey.
A and I connect. There’s that spark. The attraction is there and the fire too. The major issue we are/were having is distance, sort of. At first I was going to let go and forget it. My usual way of running once I know there is going to be distance involved. I told myself, how long would you keep acting like this? Nothing good comes easy. Then again, in life, nothing is certain. I could get married and work or something could cause distance for a period. Would I then seek a divorce?

A and I got back after few days of me kinda ending things due to the distance issue. So we were back on and the spark was still there and the conversation and laughter flowed effortlessly. The distance began to show again and the cracks started setting in. I didn’t mind.
I was going to brave this and put in effort but over time it started feeling as if I was the only one making effort. I snapped and that was it. If A truly wanted this as much as I did, A would have to make effort too but if not, well, we had a nice time.
In the very short period A and I were off, I ran into B whom I had made an acquaintance of a while ago. Being with B, basically feels like home. B is proper wife material. Everything so perfect (perfectly what every ‘normal’ guy wants I must add). I am weird; I hate pet names, phone calls, the constant checking up on each other daily. I have plenty issues, I know. Pharm Owen once said he doesn’t know if I have issues or if it’s my issues that have me. 😭
With B, those things scared me off but I just had to adjust and work through it. Enough of me being picky, but then an important box wasn’t clicked on my list of dating criteria. B doesn’t like music. I mean how can someone not love music???
Without music life is so dead and boring! So many times I’ll play a song and B would not know it, even very popular songs. I tried, but the spark just didn’t come, but I enjoy our conversations, they are easy and unforced (when B isn’t trying to get us to talk emotional ish, I hate dealing o jare). The laughter too and my constant teasing of B, but then I am just not ready for marriage.

One evening I realized I wasn’t being fair to both A and B. In life, I try to be honest and fair to people. I had to come clean. Yes I did make it clear to both that we were not dating, but I didn’t let them know I was also trying to see how things will work out with a second person. That was the major wrong I did. It felt like I was two timing even though we were not official or stuff but I just felt bad and it all felt so wrong, like  I was wasting their time.

I came clean and it was a horrible night and then a terrible morning as A and B were emotionally hurt by my actions. I didn’t have a nice day. I felt bad that I had hurt them.
I hate someone hurting because of me. I hate putting people through pain. Then I remembered C who I also sort of dated lightly long before I met A or B. With C I never got back to telling her I didn’t get there (fall in love). I couldn’t bring myself to hurt her by saying we were not going to work but I did more damage by not letting her know. I instead kept my distance and thought maybe she’d figure it out from my body language. I apologized and wished I could wipe it all off. The hurt I caused and all.
I’m not a perfect person
There’s many things I wish I didn’t do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
I’ve found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you
I’m sorry that I hurt you
It’s something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears” – (The reason) Hoobastank

Things got sour between A, B and myself for a while. Few days past and well, we all sorted out our differences. A traveled to Lagos. B and I hung out and then B said though she knows I am ‘lightly dating’ A, she doesn’t really care. Love has never been good to her but this time she really likes me and contrary to what she had decided before to cut me off, she was going to stick with me because she wants to be happy and she really likes me.
That was bold. I was impressed actually. But then I had to say the truth. I told her she was just being emotionally weak because she didn’t want to break her heart by walking away.
I got where she was coming from. Sometimes you just get tired of the disappointments and damn the  consequences. After all being self-righteous and principled has brought nothing but heart ache and loneliness. So you ignore and enjoy it while it lasts. Yup! That’s why people remain in abusive and wrong relationships.
I told B no probs, we were cool and all, I just didn’t know what A’s reaction would be.

Sadly I didn’t really get to know where I stood with A ‘cus when she came back from Lagos, she started giving some really dumb excuses about not being able to meet up. I made it plain that I know what effort I make to be with someone I really like, that all her excuses were flimsy and with that I stopped replying all chats and I have not heard from her till now. Typing this now, I just figured maybe that was her way of calling it quits, she wasn’t ready to share me with B.
“People say good bye in their own special way” – (In my veins) Andrew Belle
See why it’s never good to get involved with your music buddies? Once it falls apart so also does the friendship. A gave me some cool songs just the short time we had. Now that what we had is out the window so is our friendship and sharing of good music. *sigh

Right now, all I have is B. But I don’t know. It’s really not working. That spark isn’t there but I do value the friendship. The pressure from B isn’t helping either.
I know they say in matters of the heart you have to think of yourself first. If you don’t feel same way you can’t force yourself into a relationship just because you don’t want the other person to feel bad. But I don’t feel good either when I know someone else is hurting because of me.
I’m sorry I can’t love you the way you desire but that doesn’t mean we should make a mess of our friendship. But hey, who am I to say so? I’m not the one with a broken heart.
I want something pure, innocent and most importantly, love in little dozes…(if it comes all too quickly I freak and run). That’s what B doesn’t get. The whole clingy ish and pet names pushes me away and the numerous declaration of ‘I love you’ and how much you mean to each other puts so much pressure that it makes me feel suffocated. It’s nice to hear those words yea, but not every day na…
So I told her get a head start
Like the last one I didn’t have the heart to tell her straight
I know how she’ll receive it
And I can’t bear to see it
That’s why I never meant to be this close
And let it slip away
I keep stumbling till I finally miss the last train
Ooh, she’s ready, I’m not ready
I hear people go crazy for steady
But me, I run every time
And I hope she sees
It’s not her, it’s just me
And I’m so sorry
To be this close
And let it slip away” – (Run Every Time) Gavin Degraw
Oh wait, there’s a D in this story. As I was writing this, D pinged and wanted to come over. I know what D wants. Like I stated earlier, I try consciously not to judge anyone. I won’t say D is a hoe or slut, in fact what D is doing is even better than those who choose to be in relationships and still go about cheating.
D doesn’t want anything serious, just wants to have fun and all. Be free to be with whoever, no commitments or anything of sorts. People may call her loose and but at least she isn’t betraying anyone’s trust or hurting anyone. In everything we do, self-control and caution is needed. We should be able to limit ourselves and hold back at times, deprive ourselves once in a while, build discipline and self-control. I respect D for owning her truth but I’m not comfortable with her being around. No judgement.
The way it is going, it seems I am headed back to square one, the whole getting to meet someone new and getting to know each other and shi, quite tiring I must say. B is still here but not helping, in fact I think we need space ‘cus the pressure being mounted on me is doing more harm, and those emotional talks B keeps calling for.
I want something maybe like what I had with my ex back then before all the complications. At first we were strangers, then friends, had common interests, music, pictures, books, movie/series and the friendship blossomed and the love developed and grew…no pressure or drama or shii. It flowed till well…what’s that Nelly Furtado’s song? All good things come to an end.
I’m beginning to worry for myself. Seriously I need stability in my life and most importantly something long lasting. Is it that my standards/taste are too high? Sometimes I want clingy, other times I want a bit of distance. But I know I don’t want those pet names, or the pressure that comes from labels and commitment and stuff.
Afona used to say I was born in the wrong country, maybe he’s right but I gotta work with what I have now. Or maybe I’m just not a relationship person…can’t really say. ‘A’ did say I was confused.

I worry for me. Sincerely.
Maybe I should just take Valentine’s advice and date an older woman.
In all, I just want a peaceful life (priority), filled with love and laughter and good music of course!
“I need a lil laughter and love to follow after” – (Slow love) Beyonce
And no…This post isn’t going to end with my trade mark – Oh well, What do I know ish….peace out.

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