iyosayi14 Reflections 2 Comments

#np: You could be happy – Snow Patrol

Truly, no man is an island…

This was supposed to be a happy note. April started well for me. I had already planned how I was going to detail my activities for the month but apparently life always has its way of making mockery of your plans.

April 1st, April fools day. I went to the office, composed a fake transfer mail from human resources and sent to everyone in my branch. I didn’t know they loved me that much; you should have seen their long faces when I went down to see them, oh! the free hugs I got. I went back up and sent them another mail with a big April fool written on it, they didn’t even wait for me to come down. They all came up slapping and kicking me. It’s not a small feat to fool an entire branch.

Second week, I had to travel to Lagos to finish up a transaction at the head office. Lagos – the city I ran away from. While in air, I imagined what it would be like being in the city again. It had been almost a full year I left and never came back even when I had the opportunity. From the skies it looked beautiful and I thought maybe I missed the city. Touchdown and the real Lagos came to life. The stress came slapping me in the face as I looked through the cab window trying to figure out what was causing the traffic jam.
In Benin City there’s either an accident or traffic light on red or road construction that’s the cause of hold up but in Lagos, you don’t need any incident, traffic jam just happens naturally. That moment my decision to leave that town a year ago got validated.

The days I spent at the head office was fun; I saw old friends and colleagues. I always felt it was a weird arrangement at the head office, the way the offices were created such that everyone sits in an open space. No privacy unlike in Benin where people have offices and your boss office is quite a distance form yours. I always got freaked out by the arrangement then. I had to work out of one of the offices on the transaction and got used to it by the next day but then having to seat directly opposite your boss on same table? That’s just fifty shades of awkward….

Evening came and I hung out with my paddy of life, Cruz. Finally had the taste of real pizza I had been craving and cold stone’s ice-cream, forgotten the name of the flavour I got. One funny ice cream that contains alcohol, totally rad. One other contrasting difference between Lagos and Benin City is by that hour of the day (about 10pm) you’ll hardly see a soul on the road or any shop open but trust Lagos, the city that never sleeps it was business as usual.
Ok. I told myself I was going to make this a short post, oh well….

Last week after bearing much bashing from my colleagues, I decided to hang out with the guys for TGIF. I thought to myself, let me even see what’s in all this hangout ish they keep talking about. I went with an open mind but it was just as I always pictured it. I am not a crowd person, in fact all through the night at the table I felt odd. It wasn’t my scene at all. Grown men seated round a table filled with beer bottles, some smoking, eating fish and just talking nothing reasonable all through the night. It’s the ladies that endure such gatherings I feel for the most. The following morning I told my closest friend amongst them I would not be following them again as I only needed to confirm that I haven’t been missing anything all this time.

The norm we are all used to is that blackberry devices do not have radio. So imagine the look on my face when i discovered my Q10 actually has a radio! I saw the look on Rahzark’s face when I showed it to him. I remember those days when I was much younger, when music download sites were not common, I used to discover songs on the radio. Don’t know when I lost my listening to radio habit, which has to be resurrected. Anyway I discovered new songs on the radio recently; mostly Rihanna’s. A station played dancing in the dark form the Home animation movie. I searched the net for the song and downloaded other original soundtracks she recorded for the movie. ‘As real as you and me’ got to me.

The Song totally broke me with her coarse voice singing above the stripped keyboard keys. If you enjoyed her stay record with Mikky Ekko you’d love it also. Then there was also the ‘Towards the sun’ track, another nice Home OST from her. Concerning her 8th album, I really don’t know what direction she is going with it. The first single, ‘Four five seconds’ was impressive and gave me high hopes for the album but then the trashy ‘Bitch better have my money’ single was realised and I was like ugh???? Which was followed by the lukewarm ‘American oxygen’ Well, all I can say is the singles have underperformed so far especially as Rihanna is known as the queen of singles, I mean she has like 13 nos 1 single and so far none of the three singles released from her upcoming album has reached top 3 on billboard hot 100. Something’s not right.
#np: As real as you and me – Rihanna

Guess it’s not in my nature to write a short piece after all. I need to release all these feelings I feel. I am a loner and there was once a time I enjoyed being that way; dark, depressed and moody. I enjoyed drowning in it with depressing songs but I am older now and everything seems to have fallen in place so being alone isn’t really working for me.
I have realised I am most happy when am with company but then I go home and the darkness falls. Lately it’s been hard and I feel myself falling into a dark place. I feel like I have been jinxed.

Being around friends and colleagues all day, then hangout with them at weekends but they are just colleagues mostly and there’s a limit. Not that complete support system you really need. Can’t lean too much on them, they have their own lives else one would become a burden on them. Funny, I have never had it so good before like everything is just working out fine and going smoothly. Nothing to distract me from my reality that there’s a space somewhere.

I need fixing.

Mostly I need company. I am not looking for marriage or a relationship. I still have work to do on myself (please don’t ask) and stuff to accomplish before I can even start thinking of marriage.

I won’t make the feeling of loneliness push me into getting into a relationship or shii…I am lonely and what I need is a good friend(s). Friends who are close by not the ones in Lagos or in other cities, not those I only communicate with via cyber space (not saying I don’t appreciate those I currently have, they have been amazing especially those that refused to be pushed away). I don’t know how people survive in long distance relationships/marriages, there’s just this thing with being with the person physically, seeing them. Even if you are not saying anything just having them physically present is enough.

I’m thinking maybe I should move out for a while, move in with a colleague at work or something. The thought is there hanging, not seriously pondered on it yet. I don’t want to start talking with my walls.

Uniben is right opposite me as my friends say, but students are a major no no for me. I warned two of my colleagues about them, they didn’t listen. One went through the craziness last year, the other is currently being dealt with. Even Olugbenga in Lagos had same experience with the student he decided to date…(he’ll kill me for this, hehe)

There’s just this ogbanje spirit they all seem to have, the drama they bring can last you a lifetime. I don’t have energy or the power for such games and gimmicks. What I need is stability, something innocent and real. No drama, no games just true friendship and no, not a relationship. Maybe i’m asking for too much?

So much I need, so much I hope for, so much I have but this empty feeling I just can’t shake off…I hope it gets better in time lest I hurt myself to bring me back to life…

Well, what do I know? I am but just a kid… pray for me

Comments 2

  1. Awwww……I dont believe the student ish tho.
    One shouldn't just judge a whole community based on a few bad experiences. For its amongst todays students we'll get tomorrows workers with thesame reasoning as yours.

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