Patterns, walking in circles….
I think I am at that phase of my life where I push people away. I recently posted this on facebook one evening when I was having a moment reflecting – “Pushing people away comes naturally….something I just can’t explain neither do I know why”.
Honestly I can’t fight it anymore or try to understand it. Fighting it or trying to gain control drives me insane. I was driving home two nights ago and I got lost in thought, thinking of how to solve this particular issue of mine. I was thinking maybe I should force myself when I notice I am shutting someone out, but i remembered the times I tried to force myself not to, the persons only ended up getting the worst of me. Something’s I guess can’t be changed or forced.
“And I can’t change
Even if I tried
Even if I wanted to” – Macklemore & Ryan Lewis ft Mary Lambert (Same Love)
Learning to accept and manage them may just be the best trick around it or like I finally decided, maybe there is a drug or medication of some sorts I can take daily to help me out.
So I tweeted pretty recently that it’s raining dates for me. Met some peeps with good possibilities but right now, they have all been frustrated out of my life or out rightly banished, well except one (hopefully that one won’t face same fate). I don’t feel happy about the pushing people away thing and neither does it make me feel fly or shii. It’s a problem and it gives me reason to worry, infant I have come to the conclusion that I am the one with a problem.
Though mostly, in my defence I push people way when the friendship is becoming too difficult or stressful. I hate dealing and I hate unnecessary drama. Worse, I hate when someone makes me feel like I am chasing after them. I may like someone so much but I am damn too lazy to chase after anyone.
So once I notice all that kinda attitude shit, I just lock up and look the other way. If you get the message, you’d respectfully delete yourself but if you stay and push and maybe luckily get my attention, and yet still give me stress, ehn?! you are so gonna be banished!
I can’t deal mehn, I am way too old for that. The era of drama has passed. Got to channel all that energy into something productive. In fact, I keep asking myself why do people still front or form? I remember then it was the in thing for a chick to front when a guy is onto her but these days you go just dey there, dey old ni. I believe if two people like themselves truly there should be no fronting. Stop all the damn wasting of time and get the shi started! What do people even gain from all the useless hard time giving? There’s this quote I love so much – “don’t play hard to get with a guy who is actually hard to get”.
Thinking about it, it doesn’t even make sense forming and giving someone a hard time. You are discouraging them, giving them the opportunity to look elsewhere. No time…it’s just a few guys I know who’ll still press on and focus on just you. Most guys i know that would still press on have actually lost interest and the only reason they push on is just to score and when they have scored, you shall be banished and that’s when she starts the chasing.
Saying his attitude has changed and shii… that’s the point when tables get turned. I remember one time I was talking with someone who was acting all difficult and I was like, when tables turn it’s going to be so not pretty and she was like huh? I said so it has never crossed your mind that there’s a possibility that I would be the one being searched for by you someday? Guess that shocked some sense into her head. If only girls were wiser. Guys don’t have time for drama, well except the love struck ones I guess.
I used to tell my N.Y.S.C roomies then that they should never date a teenager if they love their sanity. Coupled with all the body changes teenage girls are dealing with and coming to terms with new territory of life, imagine adding love drama to it? They’ll so frustrate you, your head will spin. I met a couple of peeps as I was saying, and no not teenagers, age range 22 – 24. Funny turned out it was same ol’ drama. Only the one remaining seems sane, i’m beginning to think it’s my craze that will ruin this one.
For the other two, well they are still lost in their teenage attitude and I couldn’t have shut my door fast enough! Game playing has never been my thing. Then again, as I always make it known from the start I am not a relationship person and the whole idea I still don’t get (this discuss would be for another post). So I have made it known from the start I am not into the serious relationship thingy ish and you still try to give me attitude or make me chase you? Gotta be kidding me.
So that’s it…same way they came into my life in less than a month they’ve gone and I guess soon enough new set would come and go too. When next I am asked the question, ‘tell me about yourself’, I’ll just say I push people away. Simple!
Peyton Sawyer’s slogan in One Tree Hill (while it still made sense season 1 – 4) was “people always leave”. That’s true especially in my life. People come and go. I can’t even count how many best friends I have had, sort of like I am close to a particular person this season and next season it’s another but the main thing is even after many years that connection built with each is still there. But there are some others, I don’t know…they just come, play their part and I learn the lessons and off they go. Erased and undone for my sanity’s sake. So yea, people always leave…voluntarily or involuntarily or some get frustrated out. Some I regret and some I know i dodged a deadly bullet, as in, good riddance!
But my weakness is when they come back I always open my doors and then they mess up again and I shut my door and if they come back, I foolishly open my door again….I just believe everyone needs another chance but most times and I know continually, I’d keep regretting why I reopen my door.
Anyway, that’s life, people come and go. I have learnt to live my life such that I can survive without anyone. I tell myself if I can survive and move on from ‘X’ who put me through hell ending 400level to first semester 500level, then I can let go of anyone and I’ll be fine.
Though before then I still had the pushing people away trait, but that particular experience broke me forever and since then I have been so cold and nonchalant about anyone leaving. Ever since then, I just had this behind my mind, why fight for someone to stay in your life? Who really likes you doesn’t need you to fight for them to be around. See, I fought with all my heart and strength and I still lost. I was broken beyond repair. So I don’t fight anymore.
Why do I even care? Less people around, less bullshit to deal with, init?
Well, what do I know? …I am but just a kid