I feel like I need to take stock of my life. Feels like things are moving, no spinning out of control and I am powerless. I know I have issues, or like Dr. Owen once said, maybe my issues have me, but this place where I am right now…I really don’t know.
I need to relax somewhere quiet, somewhere sane away from all the noise and everyone and just think. Just try and figure it out and get back the reins of my life because right now it seems as though, someone else is living my life.
Maybe I do get touchy, I know I do and it’s the little things ‘normal’ people overlook that gets to me more. I don’t know why. Things that people might tolerate from friends, those things I can easily take from strangers but when it’s someone close or a friend, it hurts me so much and it’s so hard for me to let go and move on.
Stuff just messes with my head, makes my head spin and I start shutting down, trying to process or understand why I got treated that way. I start looking for that thin line between being rational and irrational, the thin line between wisdom and emotions.
Little things you expect from friends, things strangers don’t even think twice about before doing for you but a close friends drags his feet and I try to reason if I were in same shoes would I have dragged my feet? Generally, I am not a people person, I am shy and complicated but some people just have a way of finding their way to my heart. Some with ease some not so easily. When I get comfortable around you, I let my guard down completely and foolishly let you in fully. Holding nothing back and that’s when you see the all smiling crazy, weird Princely that’s an amazing company to have around. And then the line gets crossed, say a colleague at works plays a fast one on me or colleagues I laugh with and joke with (I mean, the job is killing enough one has to find ways to ease the pressure, can’t be all so serious). But then things are taken too far and the time for serious ish is forgotten and it seems you have lost your importance and now being taken for granted. Stuff like that makes me shut down totally and hardly do I recover (well after a while, time fixes everything I normally do but it never remains the same because that scar is there.) it’s always going to be at the back of my mind and my guard would never be let down again. One has to protect his reputation and self pride. Very key!
This is what happens when boundaries are not set.
“In general, lines are there for a reason. For security, for clarity. If you choose to cross the line, you pretty much do so at your own risk. So why is it that the bigger the line, the greater the temptation to cross it? We can’t help ourselves. When we see a line we want to cross it. Maybe it’s the thrill of the unfamiliar, a sort of personal dare. The only problem is once that you’ve crossed, it’s impossible to go back.” – Meredith Grey
If only it were possible for one to take time out from reality, just take a breather and sort it all out. I feel like I should just think and figure out what next and deal with all this once and for all and know this is what’s what now and henceforth this is how and how I shall do. No regrets, no feelings, just live and know it’s work and work as so. See the thing is, I have been scarred while working out of Lagos. The people I worked with then left a mark on me.
No one can be trusted in this business, it’s all survival of the fittest and everyone to him/her self. Yes they preach team work but that’s only practiced when someone needs a favour from you. When it comes to the real koko, you are on your own. So I changed location and everything seemed different and felt this is not Lagos where everyone’s eye dey shook. But lately, I have realized my mistake. Truth is, self survival and selfishness is just a normal human nature regardless of location.
Mehn…I got played. I got real played but it’s all cool. I kinda let it go before but the effect has begun to show and now I am not okay anymore and I am not even trying to force it or pretend. I don’t even know how to pretend or hide the way if feel and I won’t start now. I have been wronged yea, it might have been her sweat but we had a deal and I helped her too in other deals. I mean we had a deal and time for her to do her part I got double crossed for the most ridiculous reason ever. Anyway lesson learnt. Everyone to him/her self. I can’t be laughing and playing friends with someone, while they stay stabbing me at the back.
So easy for me to agree to do shii for her but when I need help I need to give reasons and say it several times before a muscle is even moved. Anyway I just shut down (my typical way), now dealing strictly on professional terms only. I won’t stay deceiving myself we are friends when clearly I am just being used. What she did hurt then but as the effects now keep staring at my face each day, I just keep having this sickening reminder of how toxic the environment was in Lagos. Really, it’s sad how we all want to get ahead even though those we work with are crashing. I just hope I don’t get infected with such attitude.
See, I admit I have my own short comings, I am not perfect but I doubt i have double crossed anyone. For years now I have been trying to wrap my head around this scripture – “do unto others what you want others to do to you.”
From my life experiences I can only say it’s just to guide us and make the world a better place to live in if we all obeyed it. Most people think the scripture is trying to say if we don’t do certain things to people it won’t be done to us. I doubt that’s what it says because honestly, it’s the things I can’t and don’t do to people that people keep doing to me.
There’s so much to life than work but seems I am the only one who sees that. Nothing is permanent and we don’t know where we shall meet tomorrow. Well, it’s not for me to preach. Anyway I have already applied for my leave. I Can’t wait to get out of the system for a while. I seriously need out. Kinda like I should go on recess and reboot. I feel worn out or should I say ‘burned’ out. I just need release. Hoping the time away would make me miss work and long for it because truly I just come because I have to be here not like I am motivated to be here or anything.