In one of my final year courses (can’t remember the course title now), we discussed on the topic Conflict resolution. One of the most effective methods of conflict resolution we were taught is Separation.
I think a major mistake most people make is thinking they can force the whole reconciliation process. Hurt takes time to heal, forgiveness needs time to be effective. It’s one thing to forgive but it’s not realistic expecting the hurt and pain to be forgotten immediately at the snap of a finger sort of like magic.
People at times need time to move past bad experiences and like they say, out of sight is out of mind. Say Mr. A and B are fighting and Mr. C comes in as the peacemaker. Mostly the way we work is, we expect them to talk stuff out, each says the story the way he sees it. Mr C, the mediator listens, offers his advise and admonishes them to let by gones be. They should shake hands, forget and be friends again. Well, works sometimes but not all the time.
Sometimes, time apart may be needed for perfect peace and healing to be. Especially well, when the wrong done bites so deep.
Sometimes you try to forgive someone, you forgive but you just can’t seem to shake off the feeling of hurt. As much as you try, there’s this feeling, can’t really explain it but it just doesn’t feel right. It gets worse when you see the person or remember… Those times what do you do? Try avoiding the past? Try to forget? All goes back to out of sight is out of mind.
Those things you put up with for the sake of friendship, I mean, no one’s perfect right? You have to tolerate each other’s flaws and shortcomings. But how much really can we tolerate? Why suffer ourselves to be around someone who continually causes our heart pain? Is friendship all worth it?
You try your best to move past it and forgive but it’s not so easy considering you keep being reminded of their atrocities. Today you forget and you are pals, then something happens and you are reminded afresh. Could be anything or maybe the person does something almost similar, say you got hurt by a cheating partner.
That relationship can never be same again, there’d always be that bit of suspicion and doubt. You can never fully trust your partner again. So any slight suspicious move (even when it’s innocent), takes you right back to the pain of knowing the person you trusted betrayed you.
Sometimes to keep one sane and help ease one’s self of pain, it maybe an easy cheap way out but I’d quickly go the shortest road to peace of mind, I’d say separation is an effective way of conflict resolution.
Maybe when time has finally healed your heart and you begin to miss the other, maybe then you’d be ready to rekindle your friendship. Let time take all the time it needs to heal you. There’s no need forcing total forgiveness. There’s a big difference between staying away for peace sake and keeping malice. Truth is most people don’t even know the meaning of malice. Malice according to my dictionary is harbouring wicked thoughts towards another.
The lyrics of Beyonce’s Resentment…these words of the song express exactly how I feel right now concerning a situation I am with someone. Well the song’s about a cheating lover but these words extracted captures my feelings perfectly well..
I wish I could believe you then I’ll be alright
But now everything you told me really don’t apply
To the way I feel inside
Loving you was easy once upon a time
But now my suspicions of you have multiplied
And it’s all because you lied
I only give you a hard time
‘Cause I can’t go on and pretend like
I haven’t tried to forget this
But I’m much too full of resentment
Just can’t seem to get over the way you hurt me
The very thing you gave to me
I thought I could forgive you and I know you’ve changed
As much as I wanna trust you I know it ain’t the same
And it’s all because you lied
I may never understand why
I’m doing the best that I can
I tried and I tried to forget this
I’m much too full of resentment
I feel so much better now though still feel a bit hurt by the actions of my friend but with time, I don’t know how long it would take, time apart would really help me out and someday I’ll get over it but having a hundred percent trust again? That I can’t say. The thing about fixing a broken mirror is, you can still see the cracks.
Writing truly is therapeutic and well, good music that the lyrics captures my mood.