How did I get here?/ My Confession/ Rantings

iyosayi14 Reflections Leave a Comment

I am officially scared of myself!

So the third one just left and I feel so apathetic about the ‘loss’…I once wrote about not feeling bad when people leave because I have gradually gotten used to the idea that people always leave…but now I think I am fast becoming soulless.

Watching people leave and not even feeling bad or bothered. Whatever happened to that guy who so much believed in true friendship and love? How did I grow so cold? How did I get here?

I miss me and all my emotions…yes people complained I was overtly emotional and shii…but at least I felt human…I had feelings, I lived and felt. Way better than this robot I have gradually become.

True, you get hardened by situations…maybe too many people have walked out (scratched that I actually did push them away) but I decided to change last December and even open up and let new ones in…But I guess damage has already been done. I am now a robot who can’t feel.

Looking back I realize it’s been a long time I really felt so strongly about someone. Yea, at first I used the fact that I needed to build a career but after yesterday’s incident, I realize I am actually damaged. I have lost a beautiful part of me – my emotions.

My confession? Hmm… my 2012 resolution was actually to cut down on how I let people in, I decided to stay low and just stay away, let whoever wants to go leave freely and well, push people away. And I definitely did a good job of staying true to that resolution. My motto was ‘out of sight is value’. Little did I know I was turning off my humanity so to say.

I feel bad right now. Losing friends has become normal to me. I don’t even feel sad or bitter. Yes, I have my pride and ego but this is beyond that. If I do wrong I don’t hesitate to apologize. But the rate at wish I lose interest and care little about friendship and the rate at which love is fast becoming an alienated word to me is really alarming.

The attention is still there, getting it normal but that’s all vague. Nothing real. If it were then when I was doing that horrible selfish thing of using people to pass time, it would have been fun and all…enjoying the good times and even in a weird twisted way enjoying the pain also. But all that’s gone.

I should have seen this coming. Right from 2011 when I began to lose interest in social networks and chatting, till recently when I’d just blank out for weeks from bbm and twitter…just wanna be away, alone getting perspective and focus. It’s all growth I guess, but I don’t want to be this cold person who isn’t afraid of losing people. I want to be human. I want to want to fight for friendships and even feel bad someone is leaving even if my pride stops me from fighting for them, at least let me feel something!

It’s probably all the attention I get. Society has totally messed me up. I mean I get complements all most everyday…there’s a long list of ‘customers’ even though I am not interested, maybe cus I know if they leave I still have a long line of would be friends that’s why I don’t care…but that’s not living!

I seriously need to be fixed. One thing I know for sure is I can’t live this way even though it feels so easy, no pain and heart breaks but still it’s not living. Emotions are a beautiful thing and I want to feel again. I need something different, Something real…something I’d be scared of losing…something rare and hard to come by…really wanna feel for real once again

But mostly I am tired of all the unwanted attention. Yes, I enjoy it at times but mostly it irritates me. Why can’t some people have even a lil pride? Making me feel like a celebrity and all that…how do you expect me to respect and value you? Like seriously!

I wonder why people think chatting 24/7 shows true friendship, it’s annoying and suffocating! Arrrrgggghhh! I so hate my bbm right now…almost deleted the app self. I don’t like being ignored but don’t be all so clingy and all that crappy shit, that’s the fastest way to scare me away. I need to breathe and be myself.

Even if you really like someone that much, must you show it all and give the person all the power? Who values anything that comes by easy? I like working hard for things, that’s when I attach much importance to them and also wouldn’t like to lose them. Same way I feel about people. All the care and attention showering is all a major turn off to me. In as much as I hate being ignored, I hate being crowded.

Should stop ranting now…probably this post doesn’t even make sense anymore…now fixing my ear piece…gonna shut the world out with continuous repeat of ‘iris’ by Goo Goo Dolls and Coldplay’s fix you…its not easy to be me…#fact

It’s a new year and I seriously need a change. Maybe it’s time I gave up on online friendships and all…seems to be the root of my problem…maybe I need more human contact also, this staying alone and melancholy feeling is really taking its toll on my sanity now. I really don’t know anymore…but one thing’s for sure, I hate this emptiness I feel and I do know I seriously need to be fixed…

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