iyosayi14 Reflections Leave a Comment

“In fact writing this now, I realize I was the devil. People began asking questions and I didn’t care. I had the girl and that was all that mattered.”

Most of us born in the 80’s should know this popular Dolly Parton’s song. “Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene… Please don’t take him just because you can…”

Well, something happened recently and it took me down memory lane to an interesting past episode of my life, which made me realize anyone is capable of murder given the right motive. Ok, that’s a little too much quote for what really happened, though what I did then was something I never thought I was capable of. Most times we have this set idea of who we are and certain principles we have and believe nothing on earth can make us derail. But then, when we finally get in certain situations we don’t recognize ourselves anymore, we do just exactly the opposite or maybe even worse. Let me stop scaring you now, before your mind starts working overtime trying to figure out exactly what I did.

One week of hypocrisy after my many talks. I’ll keep what I did in the past for now. Abeg nor vex, lol. So I traveled to Lagos recently for some personal stuff, and well I term it a journey of hypocrisy. Normally I hate playing the hypocrite but what could I do, it took just six days for my entire opinion about love and relationships to change. For once, I decided to put myself in the position of others who don’t agree with me. Wow! It’s amazing how opinions can change the minute you start living what you once were against.

That’s why I keep telling people, if you know you seriously do not agree with something, don’t even let curiosity make you explore, experiment or try it because you just might never come back. I remember once when I was a corper, I tried to be logical about the whole smoking issue. I told myself, how can I say I hate Pepsi if I have never tasted it? So I decided to smoke two sticks of cigarette, I purposely smoked two sticks to be double sure that I didn’t fancy smoking. What if after smoking even just the first I got hooked? That’s that about exploring as far as I am concerned. At times it’s safer not being logical about certain things. Just stick with your believe or opinion and stay safe.

Back to my one week of hypocrisy. I purposely decided to be the other guy! Yes, I know what you are thinking now; you are free to judge me. I have already judged myself enough. I admit being a hypocrite. After all my ranting in that my previous ‘I don’t want to be the other guy….again’ post right?
Oh well… I won’t deny it was fun and I really can’t say if giving the opportunity if I won’t do it again. Ok, to be frank, I wouldn’t do it. I still don’t agree with cheating, be it emotional or sexual. Either way it is hurtful and disrespectful.

I realized being the other guy is kind of fun or easy, that’s if you don’t foolishly develop feelings for her. Just know you are not the main guy and so you don’t have to handle the relationship stress and commitment ish. You know your role and your place and you don’t ask for more. You are the fun guy. The one that’s there to keep her company when he is playing xbox or watching Chelsea game. Hahaha

Seriously though, it’s so easy. Set the rules and you both know what’s up and where the line is drawn. The best part is you are not exclusive so you are free to hang out with other girls too. Ok, I need to stop myself here before I get carried away. It’s all wrong and I don’t encourage anyone to live this kind of life; helping someone cheat is just as bad as trying to steal someone else’s girlfriend.

Well, in all, I had to stop and act right. But damage has already been done. In truth I am not a relationship kind of guy. I have always said that jokingly, but seriously now I know I am not. Commitment scares me, not really though. For now, I just am not interested. I am not thinking of getting married in the next three years so why should I tie myself down or start suffering all those relationship troubles? The other day three friends and I had planned to go to the cinema, then the couple amongst us had a quarrel, to cut the long story short, that’s how our trip ended. Relationships and their woes…pttf! I am so not interested. When I am ready for marriage then I know yes, I am ready to deal with all the shit that comes with a relationship and all the commitment stuff. But for now I have other priorities and I just don’t need extra stress.

For now, let me be single and enjoy all the attention. You know say my market they sell, lol
I am free to hang out with whoever I please; I don’t owe anyone any explanation. I can hit the cinema with whoever, even go on harmless dates and all that. Well, I am not saying I would do all these with people that are in relationships. It’s going to be strictly single people who just want to hang out. One thing I would never do and I have never done even though I have had opportunities, is to lead someone on. So once I notice they are getting sort of attached or developing feelings, that’s when I apply the brakes and have that awful I am not ready for a relationship speech. Yea, hurtful but a stitch in time, saves nine.

So I was in Lagos and I met up with a friend. Last time I checked, she was single. Then I got that feeling I normally get when something’s up. My sixth sense kicked in and I started putting all the dots together and then I realized she had a boyfriend. I asked her, she confirmed it. I tried to back off but she said there was no problem that we are cool, so I relaxed. Well it was fun and all that. I knew the way she once felt for me before, but seriously who sent her to have a boyfriend? Killed all the fun sort of. Anyway one thing led to another and she kissed me.  Before you start thinking over time, I don’t agree with pre marital sex and I am proudly a virgin. Yes you just read it; I am a virgin, proudly. Bite me!

She came around often during my stay in Lagos; we chatted freely, laughed, went to an eatery, and did other stuffs. It was fun, no pressure of any sorts. Though my conscience kept reminding me this was someone else’s girl friend. Sorry no juicy gist.

I came back to Benin at night and the next morning there was a message waiting for me on my blackberry. She was no longer in a relationship! My heart started pounding! What have I done? This was 2009 happening all over again (please don’t ask what happened in 2009). Hope she hadn’t done what I was thinking? Hope she hadn’t broken up with her boyfriend because of me?

I asked her what happened. From what she said, it was not about me. Hmmm….I still have my doubts though. I smartly worked in the fact that I am not a relationship kind of guy, at least not yet into our chat and she got the point. Actually I hope she did because today she sent me that cheesy line I hate – ‘so you don’t want to chat with me again?’ gosh! I freaking hate that statement!!

The thing is this; the whole one week of hypocrisy came just few days after I had mad fun with a single friend of mine, though she was just coming out from a break up. I sort of just wanted her to realize how much fun being single can be and I strongly believe that the company of friends helps one get over a break up quickly. But I am smart enough to draw a line whenever they start to use me as rebound. It’s all for their good because rebound hardly ever ends well.

Last night I thought about all I have done in the last two weeks and my new perspective on relationships. This is what I want, to be single and just have fun with friends. Not having fun with anyone in a relationship except of course if her boyfriend comes along. Then I remembered the very incident that made me hate cheating and being made the other guy. How could I have forgotten? I mean I literally preach with that my experience when I was made me the other guy and used to cheat on a good friend of mine. Well, that’s one story I won’t be writing about in a long time to come, sensitivity issues.

I was blameless at first because I honestly didn’t know they were dating. They were both having that secret kind of relationship where they keep telling everyone they were not an item. Guess three of us learned such relationships are just a free pass to endless cheating. Of course after the discovery and all, we broke up and things sorted themselves out. She went back to my friend who forgave her. I decided to move on with my life. Then I don’t know how it all happened. Guess we both still had feelings for each other even though she was still with him. Like they say, the heart wants what it wants. We were back again. And all hell was let loose.

I became someone else. Rebellious, stubborn and strong headed. I never in my life thought I would be that kind of a guy who would actually take another guy’s girl. Scratch that, not just any guy, actually my very good friend’s girl. This was the same guy that helped wash my jean trouser then in 100level. Remembering everything now, I think I was possessed then. Everyone got talking. Trust my classmates then, always ready to spread gist and rumours. Truth be told, I was heartless and I hate who I was then. I hate that guy and I loathe him.

Taking her from him was not enough; I started public display of affection (pda). That was enough proof that something had definitely taken over me. See, I am a shy guy and before then even after I dislike pda. Embracing a friend in public is hard work for me not to talk of….
In class we’d sit together, laugh, talk in low tones, go to night class together. We were all over each other while my friend was there reading at the other corner of the same very night class. In fact writing this now, I realize I was the devil. People began asking questions and I didn’t care. I had the girl and that was all that mattered. My friend who used to be lively became so quiet at night class; still I didn’t feel a thing.

Then came the day we were leaving night class together. As we were leaving, he slipped us a note. That note tore my heart into shreds. That note though short, spoke volumes. That was the day if felt like Jolene. In summary he said if I wanted to have her, I could but I should please at least show him some respect and not flaunt our relationship in class or in front of him. I couldn’t even look up at him. The pain in the hand writing and the sadness in his eyes…

So much hurt and agony I had caused ‘my good friend’. If it were a film I was watching or a story  I heard or some other guy doing such, I know I would rain insults on him and hate him so much, but it was me doing that very distasteful thing to some who cared so much about me. I feel so bad right now. That very day, that night in class, the yellow lights, the way his head was bent down, he knew we were reading the letter. His heart must have been so sore, full of anger. I had betrayed him. It’s amazing how forgiveness works. Well I guess all that’s in the past now. Funny three of us are good friends now and yes, he was among the friends I was supposed to hit the cinema with and well, he just called me a few minutes ago. Strange huh?

There is no excuse for what I did. What I did then was plain evil! And it would never happen again. Never again would I put someone through that. Never again would I cause someone that hurt. So each time I am faced with such situation again, I remember the look in my friends eyes, I remember the day I felt like Jolene. I was lucky enough to have my friend back but next time I just might have a knife stuck in my neck, well there wouldn’t be a next time hopefully.

I know it’s not easy to walk away and at times you just feel her boyfriend is not treating her right and you are the one for her. Still no matter how bad it is or how ill treated she is by him; as far as they are in a relationship you have no right laying advances at her. Even if she is the one coming on to you, be decent enough to tell her no. I was selfish and self centered. Lessons I have learnt and I hope there would not be another one week of hypocrisy ever again, not just hope, I am actually going to work towards it. Now I am ensnared by my write ups and I have my past mistakes to remind me.

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