Memoirs of a sad heart

iyosayi14 Reflections Leave a Comment

Currently having on of those sad moments when I can’t really say what’s making me sad but yet I feel like crying…

For once I am not in control and it’s really annoying and scary in a way. These past two months have been so hard for me.
I hurt myself hoping, believing and trusting…
I was crushed terribly and brought to the ground. I needed a break from my reality. I was overwhelmed. I guess I was growing up finally, no more that guy who always got what he wanted. This is the real life where good things don’t happen necessarily to those who work hard and obey the rules. Life indeed has been a learning process for me.

I know I have to be strong but I don’t play the hypocrite. Never have and don’t ever plan on doing so. I hate pretence. I believe so much in dealing with pain and healing completely before putting myself out again.
Why has our world turned into one where everyone has to fake a smile so no one knows you are hurting? Talk about dying in silence.

I was hurt and crashing but everyone around me expected me to act tough and brave, to act like nothing happened to me…really?
There I was faced with serious disappointments. I was in new territory. It was all so new to me…I needed time to heal, not to fake strength I barely had.
I shut everyone out and decided not to talk things out with anyone because I knew they would not listen, all they would say is that’s life, it would get better, you have to be strong and all the crap!!

Not going to help at all…what I needed was someone to listen and just listen and tell me it’s okay to cry away the pain, to let it hurt and process the pain, slowly I would pick up again when I have dealt with every single hurt. Not suppress it and then accumulate bitterness, pain and regret.
You wonder why some people are so insensitive, bitter and ‘wicked’ or should I say sadistic?

Don’t tell me to be happy! There’s a time for everything and that was the time to be sad…there is a reason God gave us these different emotions…
Anyway that’s that…slowly I have picked myself up though I made a few avoidable mistakes while getting back on my feet.
I wouldn’t say I have completely healed but I know I have made tremendous progress…

I found myself slipping in and out of depression. My own reality became a nightmare to me. I needed a distraction from my life. I started watching a series (make it or break it)…been so much fun till well, it ended today and all of a sudden I felt so empty and sad like a part of me had died. I was lost in a fairytale so to say.

Well, made me realise it’s time I started writing again, like my good friend KCN advised maybe I should write about the emptiness I feel and truth is I feel so much better now I have written this…even far better than how I felt those times I was crawled up in bed listening to depressing rock songs, and letting their deep lyrics break and crush me…(In a weird way those songs did see me through) …Nơw I just have to discipline myself and write. Normally people say they have writer’s block but I’d say what I have is definitely writer’s laziness because I have ideas but I am just damn lazy…avoid all distractions and just concentrate on writing because It seems it’s the only thing I can get right now…don’t even want to start with all the people I have pushed away this period and all the mistakes I have made, seems as if when I try to make things right I ruin it the more, so I have decided to just stop and stay away from everyone for now and let time heal all the damage I have caused…

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